So today is a low day. Am i surprised yes and no. Im so disappointed in myself i know that. Ive been on citoplam for a long time now and ive been weaning myself off it lately. Ive had a few moments of lowness but nothing to my usual standard….untill i woke up today. now i know my depression isnt going to go away just like that, i mean ive lived with it for 7 years now. but im just so so disappointed and feeling like such an utter failure because yet again i cant come off my medication completely.

I hate taking medication, not just my citoplam, but literally anything from paracetemol to my contraceptive pill…i really struggle when it comes to forcing something down my throat no matter how small it is, so taking more tablets everyday is not my idea of fun and ill be the first to admit there have been times were i havent taken my medication just purely because i dread taking a tablet for forcing it down me.

i went out last night for a friends bday.,..way out of my comfort zone i didnt really know anybody but it was a bbq so after a few drinks and food everyone started talking and we played silly games and it was a brilliant evening. However i got in very late last night and i know tiredness does not help me. so ive woken up feeling just so tired, low, failure, disappointed,worthless piece of individual who god knows why im on this earth.

i really struggle with the whole friendship thing. i finished university last may and i went from having a very large group of friends to which i would see everyday in lectures to coming home and not having any. i only keep in contact with 4 friends from school and thats limited….i do have my work collegues and there is a good bond there but there is only so much that can outside of work with people who you work with.

i really dont have any close friends. my major thing i struggle with is i dont have a best friend and even someone i could go around just to have a cup of tea with. it sounds so pathetic doesnt it? i just want to sit and chat with someone over a cup of tea…but i dont have that with anyone. ive started to become friends with someone i knew years and years ago but we're never gunna be that close so i feel like whats the point. i know im taking for granted and its pathetic…there is 2 girls esp who like only invite me out when they have nothing better to do…i mean ill walk into the pub with my bf and the 2 of them are sat there and they are like oh wow havent seen you for ages have a drink…well in fact if thats the case why dont you arrange to meet me?you have to walk past my freaking house to come to the pub etc.

my bf doesnt understand…he keeps saying get out there and do things find a club….we live in the most smallest town ever and none of the clubs remotely interest me, let alone be where i can meet friends from. im so lonely constantly…i honestly wonder if anyone asctually miss me if i were no longer here….i imagine my funeral and work out who would actually attend, i do it for my wedding too…all the people will be sat on my bfs side of the ceremony and hardly anyone apart from family on my side.

my bf is out all day on a tennis tounament and he's been like get out and so something…but like what?its a sunday, you have the car what can i do? so he says come watch me play tennis~? i dont wanna sit and watch you cos ill still be alone. i went to a hen party fri night and i knew 3 people…its never been so awkard in my life. i hated every single minute of it. and it made me so sad that i wont ever have anything like that if i were ever to get married.

my friend whose bday it was like night has improved things lately…shes been disagnosed with post natal depression so she does understand what im going through. shes about 7 years older than mebut she is so lucky she has a massive group of friends with lots of close friends to help her through it….

i have nothing. i have no friends and i dont understand what it is about me people dont like or dont wanna be friends with. its been nearly a year since a finished uni and im still with no friendship group and no best friend to even have my cup of tea with…what a sad existence for a life.

1 Comment
  1. ace00017 10 years ago

    Hi

    Your story really rang a bell with me, and in your blogs you could have quite easily been describing me.

    I started battling depression when i was 15 although later I was told I was bipolar. I think my depression began because of my mother placing great expectation on my shoulders and I was never able to reach her vision of what I should be, similar to yourself.

    Pretty much every relationship I have ever had I've fucked up in some way or another, when I was diagnosed with depression at 15 the school leaked this information and I ended up losing most of my friends because I was suddenly seen as weird. I have some friends now but I keep them at arms length as if they saw the real me I m afraid history may repeat its self.

    Apologises, I never usually write so much but what I guess I am trying to say is you are not alone and you can talk to me if you want, not meant to sound patronising.

    One last thing welcome

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