It's so hot and muggy today ~ ugh! It's over 90 degrees already; I'm not looking forward to what it will be come 3 or 4 o'clock. At least its sunny though, right?

We didn't get everything done as planned yesterday. I did take Zachary to Wal-Mart to buy a new toy with his allowance money. He bought Legos of course ~ which I was proud of him for. He was trying to chose between a teenage mutant ninja turtles costume and the Legos and finally decided on the Legos. I have no problems with him dressing up as one of his favorite heroes and playing, but usually he gets bored with it after a couple of days. When we got home yesterday he sat on the floor and built his Legos in about an hour ~ which is amazing because even I can't do it that fast being an adult! He's so adept at puzzles, building things, reading, math and language. I'm really afraid he's going to be boredwith 2nd grade.:-/

After Wal-Mart we went to Beall's and returned the shirt Aaron didn't like. I'm mad at myself a little and discouraged…even thoughwe're broke I still bought3 shirts for me. Now given theywere $3 apiece, but that's still money I shouldn't have spent. I just have a really hard time passing up a good bargain on clothes!!! I put it on the credit card, but that's $10 more that we'll owe them. (sigh) And of course, then there was my husband to deal with. I feel so guilty now, becauseat first I lied to him and said I didn't use the credit card, but immediately realized I couldn't lieto him and told him the truth. I felt like such a jerk.

We did get to go exercise yesterday evening,but we only got to do our 2 mile walk before we had to quit. A storm was starting in and after the first close lightning strike we packed up and left. I was sad that we didn't get to goplay tennis, but I'm not THAT crazy. Florida is the lightning strikecapital of the world. More people get struck here than anywhere else. So that being said, we went home and made dinner and hungout until it was time to get ready for bed.

Last night as we laid in bed we talked about some really hard subjectsin our relationship. I asked him if he ever really dislikedme as a person, despite loving me. All he would say is that at times he got really irritated with mewhen I'd get into a foul mood for no apparent reason. So I asked him ifhe felt that it happened a lot. He said yes. Then he asked me why I lied to him about the clothes. I explained to him that I didn't want to, but I didn't want to see the disappointment and frustration and anger thathe would have at my actions. He told me that he never wanted me to be afraid of him, or telling him the truth. That we were a team, financially and otherwise. I promised never tolie again, and I intend to keep that promise. It made me feel so wrong and dirty to do it that I just couldn't do it for evena minute. It's completely against my nature tolie about anything.

So I am having this really hard time with something.I'm not proud of it, soits hard to bring it up, but I feel like I needsome help with it and that I'll getmore support here than anywhereelse. The truth is, sometimes I feelextremely violent. I don't know where it comes from and it scares me. But the only person I feel violent towards is my husband. There are moments when Iwant nothing morethan to PHYSICALLY hurt him, and badly. Its like thisintense hatred/rage takes over and Ijust want to cause him extreme pain. I'm so scared anddisgusted with myself for this, and Idon't know what causes it. I mean, sure he makes me mad sometimes and I get irritated with him, but this is out-of-control kind of anger and I don't know what to do about it. I feel so awful that I have these feelings, and I'm so ashamed. But I just read an article yesterday about people with bipolarhaving these manic-like rages where they suddenly change and want to break things or hurt people. Does anyone else deal with this, or am I just a horrible person? If you do, please, PLEASE tell me I'm not the only one and possibly how I can deal with it. The exercise helps, but I need something to do right at that moment that I feel it coming on. I try to get away from him so that I DON'T do anything harmful, but he wants to be supportive and be right there. The thing is, I don't want to tell him what I'm feeling; he wouldn't understand. And it's never directed towards anybody else. Looks like I've got some serious talking to do in therapy after all. I really need to face this and figure it out and how to change it. Please don't think badly of me for it ~ I'm so lost that I have a side like this!

We just got back from my work and the library. I picked up "The Life of Pi" to read and Zach got a couple of movies. I got paid a decent amount this week so we'll be okay for the rest of the week, thank God! It's not a whole lot, but much better than a measly $20. Heck though, I'd even take that much right now.

Well, there might be a little bit of good news. It seems like our cat Peggy may have turned a corner today. She's more alert, and is actually walking some! She's eating, drinking and using the bathroom. She's still very weak and needs assistance getting very far, like to the cat pan, but she's up and walking on her own. And she's not falling over like she was. It turns out she had a very bad inner ear infection as well, but the antibiotics she's on for the pancreatitis is getting rid of the ear infection too. That's why she hasn't been able to walk ~ she's been too dizzy! So we're hoping and praying that she'll continue on this upward trend. Mom was really considering putting her down today until she saw that Peggy was doing a little better. So she talked to the vet and he said she needed to give it time to work. She's not holding her head cockeyed either like she was, and the swelling around her eye has gone down. Lately she's been sleeping in a ball, which is not like her at all, but today she's sleeping stretched out for the first time in over a week. I'm hoping against hope…

Well, an uninvited guest just showed up (which I'm not very pleased about) and unless he comes upstairs I'm not going to bother to go outside to the driveway to visit. I'm not in the mood to deal with his antics or b.s. today. He's a decent guy, but he's loud and obnoxious sometimes, and I just don't think I can handle that right now.

I did get 4 hours this week, but of all days, it turned out to be on my husband's birthday. GRRRRRR!!! I guess it's better than nothing though. Like I said, we're not going to celebrate until this weekend anyhow, so it won't be too big of a deal. I'll get him a card for Thursday and then wait to give him his gift when we do a party for him.

I hope everyone has a decent Tuesday. I'm going to go take a nap and maybe that will get rid of my grouchy mood. I hope so. I don't like feeling like this.

2 Comments
  1. ancientgeekcrone 7 years ago

    Dear Keya,

    I am not a theapist; but I can't help feeling that Aron is the focus of your manic rages; because. at some level, it is safer for you for him to be the target of these rages. So far he gets irritated and exasperated. At some level he knows it's your illness, so he tries. On the other hand, when the rage passes, you hasten to mend fences. This validates his suspicion, so the two of you can come back together again. I think you could say in words, if it is possible for you to do so, to say I feel a manic rage builing up in me. Or Aron I am in a manic rage. I also suggest he read a book on bipolar disorder. Hugs Mary xx

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  2. Andie372 7 years ago

    Thoughts are not actions, just remember. I believe everyone has bad thoughts, but people don't act on them. Your husband is one of the good guys, so I think you should keep him. I lied to my husband, I immediately confessed. He was so understanding I said id never do it again

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