Well im writing this today cuz i woke up thinking about the new year. The reason im thinking about 2008 is because i tend to remember all the bad things that have happened to me in the previous years. I really HATE to think about these things but i really just cant help it. Like for example on New Years Eve 2004 I was taken to the hospital because I had a very bad episode of psychosis and anxiety. Every damn 31st of December since then i think about it, it always comes to mind like the freakin anniversary of something and i just hate it, its makinf my anxiety and depression worse. This past March of 2007 I was sick for 2 weeks with anxiety it was really bad i was delusional i was thinking so many irrational things that it scared the hell out of me I couldnt believe i got that sick i didnt eat 1 thing for 2 weeks straight i was throwing up because i was so nervous the whole 2 weeks i really couldnt do anything not even drink water my mom had to force me to drink that solution called pedialyte cuz i was so dehydrated. I lost 12 pounds in those 2 weeks i had not one thing to eat those whole 2 weeks i tried but i couldnt eat at all. I went to the hospital and they basically told me that it was all just anxiety and depression that i just had a very bad relapse and that i needed to go home and call my psychiatrist which at that time i didnt have. They just sent me home they didnt take it that seriously they said it wasnt gonna last forever so i should just go home and rest which is hard to to do when u feel like your going to die. I cant believe that i went through all that without even having to be admitted to the hospital something that i never thought i could do. I was proud that i didnt have to but i knew that i needed help i couldnt do it for much longer. I went to my regular doctor about a week later and he asked me what my psychiatrist had prescribed for anxiety and i told him and he just gave me a prescription for it. When i went back to get it from the pharmacy i took it right away. About a few minutes after i took it, all of a sudden all that anxiety that i suffered with for 2 weeks went away in just a few minutes, this little pill just made it all go away i wish i had just went to my Dr. first instead of with those jerks at the hospital. Anyway that was my very bad experience this year its that year that ive had the most relapses horrible ones. The last relapse i had i poured a bucket full of ice water over my head so that i can just snap back into reality because i was pretty much out of it the whole time, it helped but i had to just pull myself out of it alone. Im glad that these 2 times that ive been through this ive been strong enough to deal with them myself without having to go to the hospital which i can tell you i would have never been able to do that 2 or 3 yrs ago but i still think about it and how horrible it feels every time it happens. My point is that i dnt know if its part of the depression but i cant get these horrible memories out of my head every time a certain time of the year comes around. It just feels horrible

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