saturday. Finally saturday. What a long week. There was a time there where I thought by this time I would be back in the hospital. I ended up punching and hitting myself in the head, and ended up hurting my finger. Better than cutting or something worse.

I find when I get into these intense states of .. i’m not sure how to discribe it.. almost like agitation i think is the best word.. thats when I want to hurt myself the most. I just want it to stop.. everything to stop.. and thats when I resort to the pills.. like the other day when I took 7 just to sleep. I don’t even know if there is one "trigger" either. It seems to change day to day. The downs I experience are bad, and when I get into a real state of dispair thats when I more threaten to hurt myself but not actually do it. I don’t make much sence of it, and i guess the drs don’t either. I think thats why I don’t seem to fit into any diag-nonsence.

I did end up going out for coffee yesterday, and to be honest the whole thing was a waste of time. I hadn’t seen her since I was in the hospital back last year. There were alot of uncomfortable silences. I couldn’t wait to get away from there. She told me how she was going to go visit my aunt in South Australia. I’m jealous of that. Thats been something I have wanted to do for such a long time. I think that I might go up there using my tax refund that will come in the next few months.

I keep seeing things. Like eyes… and people.. and other things. They follow me. They freak me out..alot of things seem to freak me out these days.  Maybe I’m just paranoid. i’m not sure what I am anymore.