I feel like I can't escape anything, like its all whirling around and I have no control to stop any of it.
I want more than anything to just not care and not feel anymore. Everytime I write something or formulate my thoughts on paper or here I feel stupid immediately afterwards. I can't stand my thoughts and feelings. I hate it all.
I want so many things and at the same time I want none of it. I know I could be happy and yet I destroy all of it over and over again. I can't imagine myself happy it makes me sick to think of myself living anything resembling normal or anything. I know the man who would or is just perfect for me and he ALWAYS knows what to say. Even if we haven't talked for months, even when I hurt him probably more than I even realize right now. He tells me "perfect" is like love. It's different for every person. And my life IS "perfect." Perfectly miserable because that's what I want for it, that's how I've molded it. And he knows better than anyone because he's the same way. But he knows what he wants and he has so much potential there's no way he can just be nothing. I spent the better part of a year, being head over heels in love, feeling happiness I never thought I would ever feel and one day it vanished and here I am.
I always thought that if I didn't end up with him, his happiness would be enough. As long as he was doing what he wanted with his life, I would be fine. But now I realize it is going to kill me. Thinking, that could be me. I could be with him, making him happy. Not any other girl or woman but me. And I can't let myself. I can't see myself being with anyone else anymore. I've been so stuck in the same thing for so long that I'm too afraid to stray from the hole I've fallen into.
Everyday is a struggle. Fighting with myself, trying to quiet my brain screaming to be justified, my heart wanting to just cease movement. A machine that has gone without repairs, getting to the point where it would rather shut down completely than continue to push itself through all the pain and madness. I want to be free, I want to feel how the majority feels. I want to pursue love without hating myself for feeling hope or optimism. But I feel like I can't do anything anymore. I want to be able to talk to him but then again I want him to just forget me, and I want to forget him. It hurts too much knowing what I could've had. He's not mad at me but he still wants to talk and I just want to know..why? I find it hard to believe he's going to sit on the phone with me rehashing all our feelings because he actually has a life to start now. He IS free..maybe not from himself but he has so much in front of him, I know the last thing he wants to do is bother with me. He even knows he can't make me be with him. Even if we both want it I would never let myself and Iwish I wasn't like that. I wish starting something new excited me like it does everyone else, I wish my fear wasn't holding me back from everything but it is. I have all these wishes and wants and nothing to do with them. I wish he could save me but he can't. No one can but me and I've betrayed myself.
I can't even kill myself. No matter how much I want to, there's just this sick curiousity of how much more I can take. What could be left for me out there? I can't stand it. I want to scream, SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME. But they can't. How can someone help you if you refuse to even help yourself. It's a vicious circle and its eating away at me. I find it hard to want to do anything else. Sure I'll get high and clear my mind but even that gets to me. Makes me think too much. Makes me too paranoid. I don't want to be me anymore. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to be here. There's no rebuilding there's no getting better. I need to get out before I fuck anything else up…
I submerge my mind in books and tv but now its starting to turn on me. It's making me bitter and sad because its showing me people and things I can't have. It's showing me things that don't exist and can't exist and now instead of being an escape its a cruel form of torture…I feel so lost, so hopeless and I can't even bring myself to just end it all. I hate myself so much and I can't even talk to anyone about it. None of my friends would understand and I've driven so many people away I can't even begin to tell them. Even posting here…I mean sure the people are nice but where does it get me? It's all just bearing down on me and soon I feel like I'm just going to snap…I can't take it.