Looking back at it all it all seemed so stupid. To lay a finger on myself just seems dumb. I've only been one month free but on day 33 I have not had a single trigger neither did I the day before. Usually when I'm up late at night between two o'clock and six all i can think about is how much of a disappointment i' ve been. Really?

These are the first days in nearly two years where i haven't hated myself. Where i haven't been in short…depressed. I actually am enjoying life again. Just two weeks ago I was serious contemplating suicide, but now I just feel amazing. No reason what so ever. Stuff doesn't need to change; your mind set jut needs to change. Defeated for years. Dead on the inside for years. All of a sudden better? All i can think of is……how long with this last? Can't possibly just quit cold turkey like this. Will there be a third relapse? Who knows. I'll keep ya updated on it all.

Love yourself and soon enough others will too.

7/20/2012

Another realatively happy day. I started to eat normally again; I ate a normal two thousand calories compared to my usual 800 to 1200. Being happy still feels weird. I was only triggered once today which I find to be exceptional, rather a rarity. It's just an oddity to me. I may, in fact, be a normal person :). I lie down at nearly five o'clock am and i only feel slightly odd. A lil sad a lil disconnected but what can you expect it's not just all going to go away.

Stay hopeful, stay love able and you will always find your needs.

7/21/2012

 It all was just hopeless. I thought it would get better, no. To think i could just stop like that. I clawed a hole in the table because i felt alone, i didn't want to hurt myself …but i did. I hate myself im so tired of all of this. It's such shit why can't i just be normal.

 

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