Looking back at it all it all seemed so stupid. To lay a finger on myself just seems dumb. I've only been one month free but on day 33 I have not had a single trigger neither did I the day before. Usually when I'm up late at night between two o'clock and six all i can think about is how much of a disappointment i' ve been. Really?
These are the first days in nearly two years where i haven't hated myself. Where i haven't been in short…depressed. I actually am enjoying life again. Just two weeks ago I was serious contemplating suicide, but now I just feel amazing. No reason what so ever. Stuff doesn't need to change; your mind set jut needs to change. Defeated for years. Dead on the inside for years. All of a sudden better? All i can think of is……how long with this last? Can't possibly just quit cold turkey like this. Will there be a third relapse? Who knows. I'll keep ya updated on it all.
Love yourself and soon enough others will too.
Another realatively happy day. I started to eat normally again; I ate a normal two thousand calories compared to my usual 800 to 1200. Being happy still feels weird. I was only triggered once today which I find to be exceptional, rather a rarity. It's just an oddity to me. I may, in fact, be a normal person :). I lie down at nearly five o'clock am and i only feel slightly odd. A lil sad a lil disconnected but what can you expect it's not just all going to go away.
Stay hopeful, stay love able and you will always find your needs.
It all was just hopeless. I thought it would get better, no. To think i could just stop like that. I clawed a hole in the table because i felt alone, i didn't want to hurt myself …but i did. I hate myself im so tired of all of this. It's such shit why can't i just be normal.