I’m trying to figure out why I’m so anxious. I just know that I am. And, what really sucks is that I’ve smoked almost 2 packs of cigarettes today. But, I’ve got the patch so I’m hoping to apply it tomorrow when I wake up. And, I left myself a little message on my refridgerator to keep myself from smoking.

I normally do get anxious before I have to have a test or surgery. but, I’m not due until January. Some things on why smoking is particularily bad for me: I was diagnosed with breast cancer almost 4 years ago- in January actually. and, I had to have a mastectomy and then I had to have radiation on my chest wall. anyway, I had quit smoking for 4 years before I was diagnosed but right before I was dx, I had ended a relationship with my boyfriend of 6 years and lets just say he was not happy about it. He wanted to make things as difficult as possible for me for ending it, and he did. So, I cracked, I couldn’t handle everything – I couldn’t cry for the life of me and everything was happening SO fast. So, i was out on night with some girlfriends and we went dancing and I was actually falling down drunk- which is very unlike me and everyone was smoking. so,  i had a cigarette and it was like I never stopped. It didn’t taste bad – it felt so good.

But, ever since then I’ve had a really difficult time quitting smoking and staying a non smoker. Sometimes I feel like I really did myself in so what difference does it make if I continue to smoke. But, I also know that I REALLY do not want to go out like that! That would be such a horrible way to die. And, I did quit for like a year after my treatments but anytime that I’m under stress – I feel like it’s beckoning me. I just don’t know how to stay away from it. I’m aware that it is a horrible, disgusting habit but it’s soooo hard to stop.

And, the man that i’m dating doesn’t smoke as I only date non smokers ( b/c  i don’t want to be around someone who smokes as i would never stop) but I know that he doesn’t like me smoking. And, luckily he has no idea how much I smoke.

But, i would just like to make this one stick – no more going back to something that only harms me.  So, as much as I don’t  like using the patch, I’m going to do my best to put it on tomorrow and stay on it for the full 10 weeks. I’ve already got the suckers— they really do help with the cravings.

I’m also anxious b/c the man that I’m dating, we’ll call him Bob, has to go out of the country this week for work and where he’s going is very dangerous. And, I’m not happy about it at all. i understand that he has to go and luckily he’ll only be there for 2 days, but still. I just wish that he didn’t have to go at all and that it was next week and that he would be back and that I would know that he is safe.

Then I’ve been going back and forth over whether or not I’d be going home for Thanksgiving. I wasn’t going, then I was, and back and forth. Well, now I’m going but I’m worried about the weather – i’m hoping it doesn’t snow. I hate driving in the snow and it’s supposed to have a freezing mix on Wednesday so now I may have to try and leave earlier. And, i was hestitant to go home as I HATE turkey. I was just going to go to my cousins and they were going to make me a porterhouse – I’ve never had a porterhouse. I ‘ve only had a filet and a ribeye. Filet is definitely my favrorite – so delicious!

I actually found a place near me recently when me and Bob went out to this restaurant- i had the filet and it was an 8oz as they didn’t have a 6oz. Anyway, it was one of the best steaks I’ve ever had, and i finished the whole thing – oh, it was sooooo good!!! i don’t know what they did to that steak but it was like a little slice of heaven. See, years ago I had gone out to eat on Thanksgiving & I noticed on the menu that I could have a steak instead of turkey. Anyhow, that steak was so good, it’s like a legend and I couldn’t remember the name of the restaurant and plus it was far away. So, i guess I’ve always been chasing after THAT steak. Well, no more chasing as this new place had an awesome one.- YUM!

Also, about the smoking thing. my brother just informed me that one of his best friends mother was just dx with lung cancer. And, luckily it is small and operable–but, that is not something that I would want to go through.

Oh, and to top it all off, i’m back to no roommate. One of my g/f’s was going to move in but circumstances changed. That is actually okay as I really didn’t want her to move in but it’s so hard to find a roommate. Once my lease is up, I think I’m just going to move into a one bedroom and therefore i will not have to worry about things anymore. I hate moving though, it’s such a pain in the ass. but, I really do like to live alone.

At least, I am now registered for school – that’s a relief. I have so many classes to take and unfortunately they’re mainly math & science at this point. and, I suck at math big time! And, i think that I have 5 math classes that I have to take. Ah, well.