I can't sleep, and for some reason, I don't want to take trazodone. Which is total treatment interfering if I was talking to my psychiatrist lol

I really should just sleep…

But here I am about to write my bpd, more particularly about anger… 🙂

I like smiley faces as you can tell… hahaha

I fit the criteria of all the symptoms of bpd except for the anger one.

I definitely get irritated, but not to the point that I would be having a fit.

When I get angry, it’s so overwhelming that I do sort of throw a tantrum and wanting to break things or something. If you ask me, it always feels like there’s a devil inside of me, and I need it to get out.

But these anger episodes probably only happen twice a year. And I do it in my own space, meaning no one is there to witness the madness. Well except for my stuffed animals hahaha

I avoid anger. Whether it’s someone on the streets of nyc yelling to a dog growling at me. I get a lot of anxiety when it comes to anger.

To me, anger is bad. Like really bad. And it probably has to do with my childhood. My dad wasn’t the greatest guy when I was young. To be honest, he was verbally abusive and sometimes physically to my mom. So I hated my dad when I was a kid. He was never abusive or anything like that to me, though he did hit me once in the face while scolding me. I don’t remember it much, just that he did and I had to sit in the corner facing the wall… I don’t think he has anger issues anymore. He’s not getting mad at really small things, yelling, or throwing things. Well, he kinda did get angry a few weeks ago… I kinda have hoarding issues, and my home isn’t the most tidiest place… Dad was pretty aggravated about how messy it is (has been for the past five years…). So he did yell… And then I went to my room and cut…

But other than that, I feel like he’s a bit too over protective now… Which I guess I can’t blame him. I was hospitalized and didn’t tell him until two days after being in the psych ward. Opps 😛 OMG his face when he came to see me…

Anyway! My parents always fought and when you’re a kid, whatever makes you scared and sad equals bad. So I don’t do anger. I don’t really know how to handle when some is angry. I usually just cry. Not the best thing to do, I know. Well, it usually makes the person calm down, which is good cause I won’t have to deal with that person being angry…

I guess this is all for now…