I feel like such a bum today! I slept until 9:30 this morning ~ which NEVER happens during the week. Guess our walking and tennis really wore me out. I was really proud of myself yesterday because I finally managed to do 2 miles AND play some tennis! We don't actually "play" tennis, at this point we're trying to just manage to get the ball back and forth between us several times without it going outside the box, lol. But we're enjoying it anyhow.
It's a fairly nice day out today ~ the temperature is in the mid 80's and there's a good breeze blowing. It would be a great beach day but you all know how I feel about taking Zach when it's just me. Maybe the pool? I don't know if we'll have time though, we've got a lot of running around to do. Have to go to the bank, then stop by my work to pick up my check and get my schedule, then to the feed store to get bird food and maybe go to the library as our outing for the day. I'm not really happy about the books I picked out last time, none of them are holding my interest so maybe I'll go find something else.
Yesterday I did manage to get quite a bit done; 5 loads of laundry, cleaning the bird cages and feeding them, cleaning up the living room/dining room, running to Wal-Mart, and going to exercise and then come home and cook dinner. It was nice with cooking dinner ~ all 3 of us did something so it was an easy experience. And it bonded Mom and I and Aaron some. Speaking of exercise, I'm going to weigh myself today at work, and I'm so nervous! Aaron's dropped about 5 pounds, and I'm hoping I have too, but women tend to lose weight slower than men it seems.
I'm in a less pessimistic mood today, which I'm grateful for. Thank you to all of you who commented on my last blog ~ your comments made me feel better about everything. I think Mary is onto something; if I focus on my coming freedom of our own home then I'll have something to keep me going on the rough days and help me get over my fears of working. I do think I'm going to have to seek employment elsewhere unfortunately. Part of the problem with it though is the hours I'll have available. Zach gets on the bus at 7:20 in the morning but he's home by 2:30 p.m. I don't know if I can get hired with those hours. But I'll have to try. I refuse to work a late shift because then I won't have any time with my family, especially my son when he's back in school. I'll just have to try really hard to find something that will meet my needs and theirs.
Part of me acknowledges now that I've been hanging on to this job for so long because I know I can always come back to it if I fail. It's a crutch to make me feel safe. I have to learn to have enough belief in myself to let it go and move forward to something better. As much as I enjoy working there it's not going to change ~ I'll never have any stable amounts of hours.
One of my big worries right now is next spring I will be due to turn in my credit hours to keep my teaching license. We don't have the money for me to take classes though, and I only have 2 semesters left to get it done. It's really stressing me out because I want to be able to go back to teaching in some form when Zach gets older and can handle being by himself a couple of hours before I get home. I'm not willing to let go of that ~ I worked too damn hard to get that license to just let it go. If I don't get these credit hours done, then I have to retake all of the testing for both my music education certification and my elementary education one. Then I also have to retake my teacher's exams. Each one is about $100 apiece, and it's been so long since college that I'm not sure I can remember all of the history that will be on the music exams, and I'm not sure how I can regain all of that. I guess I can retake the exams later on ina few years when I'm ready to go back, even if just to substitute, but like I said, I'm afraid I won't pass. But if I do take retake them, I'll have time to study up on all the information and things I need to remember. So there's always that course of action. Where there's a will, there's a way. 😉
Tomorrow Zachary goes for his actual Asperger's testing and it will be a few hours long. I am NOT looking forward to this. He's going to hate it and he'll be in a pretty rotten mood afterwards. He can't sit still or pay attention for that amount of time. It's going to be really hard on him. As a treat on Thursday I'm going to take him to see a movie for getting through it.
As for me, I finally get to see my therapist on Thursday evening. It's been over a month because she's been so booked. I find myself wondering if I still need therapy, or if it's a mute point now. I'm nowhere near the mess I was when I started. So I'm going to ask her opinion as to whether or not we should continue or back off some, like seeing her once a month. She continues to help me with insights, but I'm much clearer mindedand able to hold my own than before. I don't want to make a mistake however and end up taking a step backwards.
I know. I think too much. But that's just me. I'm just glad I'm not so heavily medicated now that I can't think. That was one of the most awful experiences I've ever had. I'm so glad I'm rid of that doctor! He was a jack*ss and an uncaring jerk. I'm so grateful that I got back in with Dr. Miller ~ he's awesome and a personal hero of mine. He's the only one that's ever been able to help me and is truly dedicated to doing just that. There are no words I can say to him that could express my gratitude for him agreeing to take me as a patient again.
Well, the day is moving forward quickly since I got up so late, so I guess I better get going. Hope everyone's day has something good in store for them. Peace.