Warning: Post may be triggering to some.
I guess I could blog and write about things until my fingers bleed, but what good would it do? Does it change anything? No, it hasn't. But since I'm seeing a new therapist now, maybe it would be a start to have somewhere to write down what I need to talk to him about and get it out somewhere other than my mind. The things that changed me as a person and made me who I am today. I don't really WANT to have to face these things, but I know if I don't, how can I get better? So I'm just going to list things, things to bring up to him at some point. Maybe do it in some type of timeline, starting from the beginning of what I can remember…because I cannot remember much.
1.) Age 13 started self injuring due to depression and self hate.
2.) Age 14 parents got divorced due to my dads unfaithfulness to my mom. It was my dad's decision. He left us immediately, moved out of state with his new 'gf', met her, even though I didn't know they got married without anyone knowing. She shortly got pregnant afterwards. Felt abandoned and lied to. Stressed seeing my mom go through so much pain.
3.) 15 freshman year in high school. Was a straight A student until I met Zak who was a grade above me. We started dating. He started pressuring me to ditch class with him, smoke weed, cigerettes, drinking. My grades dropped severely, got into more trouble at school and at home. About 5 months into the relationship he was sexually, emotionally, and physically abusive towards me. On my homecoming night at school he laced the weed in coke without me knowing and I smoked it, not remember what happened that night besides vaugely remembering being in the backseat of a car with him trying to be sexual with me and I did not want to. I do not know what happened that night, just bits and pieces. Everytime I tried breaking up with him he would threaten to kill me or kill himself. He threatened hurting my family. I was scared so I stayed in the relationship. I started liking the drugs I was taking, it numbed me from feeling the horrible feelings I felt. I did not want to go to school anymore because I felt people knew what was going on and looked at me differently. I lost friends. The one day I could not do it anymore, I ditched school that day to avoid him, called him that morning and told him I was done, i couldn't live like this anymore. I didn't give him much of a chance to talk about it, because I knew his excuses, so I hung up quickly. A few hours later I hear my doorbell ring. I look outside and see a car out there, I knew it was one of Zak's friends car. I opened the door, keeping the screen door locked. It was him. I told him to please leave. He tried getting in, started crying, saying he could not live without me. Stupidly, I opened up the door but wouldn't let him in past the front of my house to talk to me, try to get closure. He said how sorry he was but I wouldn't give in this time. He was sitting on the steps leading upstairs I was sitting on the carpet by the front door. We were having a pretty calm conversation. He came over to me and started trying to hug me and kiss me. I pushed him away telling him to stop. He got mad and forcefully ended up raping and beating me. He left me laying on the ground and before he left he said 'if you become pregnant I'm going to kill you and the baby.' I called my friend and he took me to the store to get the Plan B pill.
Zak ended up alienating me at school. Telling people lies about me, making people hate me. Some girl, I didn't even know, had a pie from one of the culinary classes and threw it at me in the hallway and dumped pop all over my head in front of so many people. It was because Zak told her I was saying horrible things about her and her family. It was tramuatizing. I went from having so many friends to people that hated me.I barely went to school anymore. I was about 17 at this time.
4.) Age 18 I met someone named Josh from high school. He helped me through so much, tried getting me to go back to school and do my schoolwork and get my life back. I can honestly say he saved me. It took awhile but we ended up dating. We were together on and off though for 3 years, because relationships scared me and I got too afraid of commitment. He stuck through it though. When we would break up (still remain friends), I would go out on tangents of having random sex with people to make me feel better about myself. I would drop them as soon as it was over with. It made me feel horrible but better at the same time. Josh was understanding through all of this. During one of our breaks, I met someone named David. He was also sexually, emotionally, and physically abusive. I currently have no feeling in my upper leg because of him because he repeatedly slammed my leg into a car door. He broke me down. Josh got me out of that relationship and we started building up ours again. A year into us being together and being stable together, I ended up having to move 45 minutes away from him to live with my mom. Before I moved he took me to a beautiful forest preserve overlooking a lake on a bridge and proposed to me. It was the happiest I've ever been in such a long time. Even though we were further away from each other we would make it work. When I moved into my moms house, a few months into it my friend, Mike, needed a place to stay, and we offered a few months of him staying with us until he got on his feet. Josh ended up putting his foot down and said that he didnt approve of it. I couldn't say no to Mike, because of how hard of a time he was going through and I related to him. I let Mike stay with us anyway. It was nothing but friendship between us though. Josh became more distant with me though. We were still together of course, but I know it was hard on him.
Mike ended up moving out after getting on his feet. Josh called me one day on his way home from work. He told me he was going to be extremely busy with work the next few days. He also mentioned one of our mutual friends and him got into a huge fight. The next night I got a message from this friend saying he needed to talk to me right away and it was important. I didn't end up getting back to him, I just told him to call/text me when he could and if not I would call him soon. 2 days later I got a phone call saying Josh's apartment got broken into by our 'friend' and another male, and he was shot 3 times in the head. He was in ICU for 10 days before he passed away. Phew, I needed to take a minute, I haven't dealt with it really. I miss him terribly. And I feel like if I did things differently it wouldn't of happened. If I would of contacted out 'friend' that shot him something could of been different. If I would of told Mike no he couldn't live with me that this wouldn't of happened. He saved my life and I couldn't save his.
I went back into my old ways of doing drugs, being with random people, numbing myself to the world. I ended up getting pregnant. The father left me right when he found out. At 23 weeks pregnant I went into pre-term labor and gave birth to my son, Joshua, and he lived for an hour before passing away. I don't talk much about it, it tears me apart.
After he died…my life just stopped. My grandfather who I was very close to passed away in front of me shortly after telling me 'he was going to look after my little bambino' (my son).
I forgot to put in that while I was about 19, I was raped by 2 guys and once at a party after being drugged from the drink I had. They took me in their jeep and brought me into a deserted road and I was raped by them. I went to the police and the two guys got brought in and they said it was concentual. Even though they found my blood in their backseat from the wounds I had on my body. My detective said I could try brining it to court but I wouldn't have a good chance and gave me the papers to sign to drop the case. The female officer told me please not to sign the papers. But I felt so defeated that my own detective said he couldn't help me that I signed them.
I've been hospitalized 5 times. Once from trying to commit suicide, resulting in 28 stitches, twice from self injure in general, and twice volunteraliy checking myself in.
There is more, but I cannot see through the tears in my eyes anymore. I think that's enough for today.