Grade 8 started and I was okay
I had friends and a routine and my life was just starting
But then I started feeling emotions that were different
And the light scratches started, only to experiment
I liked it
Highschool started and I fell in love
It was rough the first time, but I came through it
Guidance was futile and I hid it all away
Light scratches were a routine
But it doesn’t matter because I didn’t want to get in trouble
And then I fell harder in love again
And things were good again…
I worked hard and got what I wanted
But not emotionally…
I was depressed, but what does that “really” mean in high school?
Nothing… “Don’t be so dramatic Mina”
Emotionally abusive… but I didn’t care at the time
I wanted to be loved.
Cuts were habitual.
I didn’t know what I got myself into when I went into hiding
University started and things would never be the same
I did have the time of my life…
But things slowly went to hell
I abused myself time and time again
So many scars…
“Major depressive disorder” “borderline” “anxious”
What does this even mean?
I am classified in a mental center
And then released as I pretend to go along with their games
So that I can go back to living
So that I can commit myself to death
Only to fail
And instead I got “saved”
“You aren’t going to die today Mina” said the man in the uniform
Time spent in ICU and Homewood again…
But I was good at the game and got out again
There are a lot of things I’m ashamed of…
Like not being able to show my arms and wrists anymore
Long sleeves and sweaters are where its at
Like knowing people know that my smile is fake
Like laughing at the seriousness of my condition
Like indulging myself through impulses
But there are a lot of things I’ve experienced before…
I’ve never looked harder into a mirror before
I’ve never been so emotionally tired
Or mentally exhausted
I’ve never contemplated my surroundings so much
I’ve never cut so deep before
I never thought this would happen to me.
But it all did, and maybe it did for a reason?
Secondary has been “forgotten”
And lifes a bitch
But it’s okay
Because things are different this time
I think. I mean, they should be… right?