Thank you for everyone who's ever tossed any kind words my way, anyone's who sat through my worries, anyone who's been there, and anyone who's accepted my love for them. (Tribe love.)
Halloween's coming up, I'm getting pretty excited. I'm listening to Manheim Steamroller over and over again, and that bubbly Hallow's spirit just explodes in my chest every hour on the dot or so.
I'm going to dress up as a "Nevada-Tan"-an 11 year old Japanese girl who killed her classmate. Apparently, her classmate was calling "Nevada-Tan" fat, through online bullying. So Nevada took a box cutter, and cut the girl up…Phew.
Chris (a friend) and I are going to watch some horror movies as a marathon all night, Chris has a great DVD collection. I know some of you won't approve, but we'll probably drink or light up a bit, perhaps. I'm hoping to invite a few of our closest friends, but only a couple.
Seems like the only time I feel like living anymore, is when I'm far from sober.
I started (at home) studying AP Psychology and started studying for the SAT.
Let's see, where was my last blog at?
So September 7, 2010 (I'll never forget the date,) basically I testified for CVS and now my dad can't be in the same building as me. He's in jail. And when the CVS agent brought us back home, my mom immediately started yelling and took away my laptop and phone. (To cut off contact from the world.) So I feel so lonely, I feel like my heart is deteriorating.
I didn't eat or sleep for a few days, because of my dad. He doesn't deserve this. Once I started back on my regular schedule, I was hungry for someone to talk to. I couldn't take it, so against Janice's will, I walked across main street to meet some friends at a regular Friday night hotspot-a skating rink. So of course I got in trouble.
But at home, I feel like I can't take it, I just want to escape the house, or kill myself otherwise, just to get it over with. I may be going a little extreme…
May get put in a foster home. If I want to, I can choose to. My dad's lost his job, we have no way to pay for anything.
I have no job, I have no license, and Janice refuses to let me get one.
What am I supposed to do?
I feel like a 12 year old right now, hopeless, phone-less, friendless, car-less and jobless, broke.
Can't take this, I want to scream. Janice doesn't understand, as a human being, even before September 7th, she was still a foreign person to me.
As a mother, she doesn't understand who I am. She sees me as a devil-figure, and takes no effort to get to know my interests.
I take none to get to know her, either.
I love music, music is naturally a great force to humanity.
She hates music, and doesn't find any interest in it whatsoever.
She enjoys scrapbooking and sewing, and I find crafts pointless.
I'd much rather draw than craft together some decorative things.
We can't understand each other, at all. She also finds me as a selfish person, a profanic witch that doesn't think about others and doesn't think about consequences.
I can't understand why she sees that so strongly, how she doesn't try to see me or talk to me.
I see her as a simple-minded, ridiculous, senile fool, one that's off chart from the rest of the world.
So the feelings of detest are mutual.
I can't take this rambling much longer…Otherwise I'll get too emotional and start ranting ridiculously about preposterous things.
I apologize, Depression Tribe.