The pain I feel from what they have done to me is enormous and yet I don't know if I have even fully felt the depth of the pain and anger of it all. The realization of how badly I have been treated is slowly leaking out into my mind every time I reflect over the last few days.

My mom in law has been in the hospital dying from cancer of the Gaul bladder that spread to the liver and the small intestine.

BACKGROUND 

When I was married to this family, it is true I never was "close" to the in-laws. They had poor hygiene, and had been abusers to my ex. But after I divorced I began talking with my mom in law. She still had poor hygiene but she needed someone to listen to her, and not judge and I did that occasionally. I still couldn't stand what she did to my ex but I also realized she had been abused by her now dead husband and she didn't know how to be a mother. So I listen and I gave her advice and I left the ball in her court to be in my life if she chooses to. She didn't really and I didn't mind.

Back to present day

The last 4 weeks we have known she had cancer, the last 3 weeks she has been in and out of the hospital. Now in hospice with maybe hours to live and I have done everything I could, took every opportunity, to be around her and help her in anyway. Whether it was moving her wheelchair, or doing her makeup, or rubbing her feet. Why, because I wanted to show her unconditional love for the remaining days of her life. I did not want anything, I did not expect anything, and I did not receive anything but being there seeing her relax knowing those things were done for her.

Then it happened her daughter, my ex sister in law, comes at me as I told mom I was going to go get her pillows, with all this wrath. Why? Because I stepped on her toes by being calm and told her mom to be nice and answer her questions. So she goes off on me and tells me that I have no place being there, it wasn't my mom, I was a gold digging bitch who was trying to get the daughter of the year award.

She said I never wanted to be around her mom, and let me tell you she was saying all this in front of mom. Mom was so hurt hearing all this and she was trying to defend me so I just told her it was alright and that Trisha was right and I should go because I didn't want to hurt anyone ever. Her words were so strong and so hurtful, but it was more than that, it was her actions.

It was the words: "I am through" "She's your problem now" "you wanted her you have her"… all in front of her mother then she walked out and told her mom "see you in heaven or hell wherever you end up". I had to stay for a while to help the woman who also witnessed all this finish answering all the questions she had for mom.

The old saying "sticks and stones" well that is full of crap. Words.. Words can hurt more and last longer than any cut or broken bone. Now today May 12, 2010 at 11:02 pm my mom's vitals are 85/56 and an O2 sat of 68, which means she will probably be gone sometime tonight or tomorrow and the ex husband and the ex sister in law will not allow me to come there anymore. And I quote "I will text you like everyone else when she passes, or shortly thereafter"

I ask myself why it matters. Why do I tear up every time I think about her lying there wasting away, dying with Trisha next to her, and I can't be by her side to see her through to the end of her journey. Am I selfish? Should it even matter to me? She isn't my mom but she did become my friend! She shared things with me about her children; I guess that is why it hurts me to see them with her!  

So now I sit here next to my phone wondering when her spirit will leave her body and her heart will give up and she will pass on. And I hurt, and I don't really know what to do with all the pain of losing my friend, my "mom" and watching that hurtful, controlling daughter of hers do what she has done and the anger I feel. The rage that is boiling up inside me. I want to hurt her back. I want to strip her down to the raw emotion she made me feel.  I don't know if I should be angry or cry. 

One other little thing I didn't get to mention, they choose to have her cremated and to not have any memorial service AT ALL!!!

I am trying to do all I can to stay sane through all the crap I already had in my life now another thing added!!! Why Lord??? If it wasn't enough before I am pretty sure I am on overload right now and I am spinning out of control with no walls in place to stop the spinning. No school to focus on, to much time at home, no money to make myself less stressed, and not being able to process things the way I used to, might be obstacles that just might be my end. 

 

 

 

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