Lol just putting in my mood… 'angry' am I always angry??? yeah pretty much went through a whole pack of smokes today… not good lol. Im currently feeling really frustrated with myself for dwelling on Sunday, maybe I feel a little dissapointed by myself for still feeling angry and constantly thinking about all the horrible stuff nanna said, I know its only been a few days and I know it will take time, But for some reason I feel I 'need' to be angry at her. You know how some people in your life can just automatically trigger an emotion, maybe thats what im getting with her? I am feeling rather stressed at the moment, because now is the time where I have to make a proper choice whether to have her in my life or not. I know I said I dont and I still dont, but I do think everyone deserves a chance, so I think I may give her the one chance, but even if she can let go of Sunday, I really dont like the person that she is, she is dramatic, negative, self pitty, demanding, selfish and she thinks she is a better person than every one else and I can just see us clashing constantly, because I believe we are all equal and I hate racism, she can have her opinion thats fine, but I do not appreciate racist comments in my house, which she made because I live in a neighbourhood where there is every single race imaginable living here, you will see a black man walking down the street, you will see a Muslim family down at the park, africans walking around asking where to find the nearest Anglican church and there are planty of asians walking around. She is completely insensative yet expects others to be sensative to her.
Im kinda torn… mum always tought me to respects myself and do whats right for me, which would be to cut her out or do I go by another thing I believe and give her a chance to either prove me right or wrong? See I dont know, If i keep her it will all be drama and I have spent the last year of my life eliminating drama from my life but I'll also get to have grandad in my life, which I could If i cut nanna out but that could cause conflict between them two and I dont want grandad to cop anything for my choices. If i cut her out I could very well loose grandad too, but then for me mentally it would be best. *moans and growns* I need help, I ask mum and she is no bloody help, she just tells me to do what I want lol doesnt help mum.
If you read this, i'd be pleased to hear what you would do in my case. I really NEED help in making up my mind… this is pretty hard, so please… please please please let me know 🙂