I discovered tonight that, despite one of my biggest fears, I am in fact capable of feeling things. I mentioned yesterday that I'd gone out on a "date of sorts" with a guy I've been seeing off and on (for the sake of argument, I'll call him Jeff). For a while last night, everything went great. He kissed me good night and told me he'd see me tomorrow (today), and I felt hopeful for the first time in months. The primary objective was for me to take my car to a mechanic friend of his to have it looked at. I called earlier today and made arrangements with the mechanic, and Jeff had given me the impression we'd go do something after my car was done. He called just before I left to head to the mechanic, and told me he felt guilty about kissing me last night, and that he didn't want to lead me on, and that he still wasn't any closer to figuring out "what he wanted" in life. I was at work at the time, so I had to try to hold it together, despite the fact that I was on the verge of tears. Jeff told me to call him when I got to the mechanic and he'd drop by. I called, but he didn't answer. I left him a voicemail and spent the next 45 minutes waiting while the mechanic looked at my car. Jeff never showed. As I was leaving the mechanic's shop, he finally called. He said that his phone had died, and the charger with it. That's a fair enough excuse, but I think he could have easily driven the block and a half from his business to come and see how things were going. At any rate, after the conversation we'd had earlier, I really didn't want to see him for fear I'd burst into tears or smack him across the face if I got close enough to him (won't blame that on the OCD – I actually did want to do both of those things). He sounded surprised when I told him I was on my way home, because he said he'd hoped I would stop by and see him when I was done.

I cried the whole way home, and most of the evening, although I did what I could to distract myself. I know I'm far from the first person that this has ever happened to, and everyone thinks their situation is different. We have a strong connection in that we grew up in the same town, although we're now living 1500 miles from said town and didn't meet until we got here, we've got a lot in common, have a very similar sense of humor, etc. etc. etc. I don't understand how he could like me as a person and be physically attracted to me, but not want to be with me. Of course, I've gotten the "it's not you, you're a wonderful girl, you don't realize how amazing you are, you don't give yourself enough credit…" blah blah blah. But right now he's just not sure where he is in his life, wants to focus on starting his business and all that junk. We've been playing this game since February. If it's me (and at this point I feel it must be), I wish he'd just have enough respect for me to tell me. Most people who are aware of what I've been through with this guy (myself included) think I deserve better… but really, what I think people don't realize is that deserving better is by no means a guarantee that you'll get it. So what do you do then? Settle for whatever little bits of happiness you can get, knowing it'll just hurt worse later, or resign yourself to never meeting someone who's going to want you the way you are? (I've tried the dating websites, believe me – got nowhere there. I guess I'm too picky. Or maybe they are.)

Sorry, I've just realized that I'm kind of starting to sound like a big ball of self-pity. The nice thing about unloading to strangers is that there's really no judgment. I don't really feel like I can talk to my friends about this. They'd probably tell me I should have known better. So no, I haven't forgotten how to feel. I only wish right now I could feel something other than hurt.