No matter how much i seem to accomplish or work through, does any of it even matter, in the long run?  i’ve been so stressed-out, lately, just trying to figure out my finances and how i’m gonna make any ends meet, that i feel like i’m going to completely break down and lose all hope.  –i know i shouldn’t feel/be this way–i even read an inspirational comment this morning that even restated how things, when they seem so bad and difficult to get through, are only for a little while–they don’t last forever.  i soooooooo HOPE that’s the case, because otherwise, it seems like i’m going to wind up…well….–can’t go there.

i did make an appointment for Monday, to hopefully get restarted with some form of behavioral health.  –i have to get something done, worked-on, started–whatever you wanna call it.  i just keep flashing back to events and my daughter’s death, and etc.  On the other hand, i have begun reading a couple books that are truly striking nerves, as well:  “The Mother i Carry,” and “The Grief Recovery Handbook.”  i was beginning the grief  ‘class’ at the wellness center (basically peer groups and classes), but i didn’t go this week.  *sigh  i have been trying to get some things done, though, so hopefully, next week i can get back on track with the class, unless i go another direction, entirely.  –i just know i need some form of healing, and/or closure, in order to move forward in my life.

i still don’t know what’s going on with my grandson, as i haven’t actually called, yet.  i texted his father’s  father (his other grandfather, Tony), the other day, to ask if calling that afternoon would be OK, and never received any answer.  i’m feeling more and more like i’m just going to have to dial the number and wait and see if he even answers.  *sigh  Gabe is the only remaining part of my daughter, left alive.  Don’t they understand the importance to me of having some form of contact with my grandson????  Most days, as it is, i just feel so ready to give up fighting to even keep some form of contact with them.  i just don’t know what to do….i’m sure Anthony (Gabe’s father) is still using, so it would defeat the purpose of even trying to contact him….  But, you’d think Tony might respond….*sigh  i just feel like i’m banging my head into a marble slab, regarding this one issue.  But, i have to keep trying, right???????

i haven’t been to any meetings, for a couple weeks now–and, believe it or not, i can tell the difference.  i know these meetings weren’t directed towards me, personally, but i have been trying to attend, whenever possible, in hopes of learning more about addiction and trying to gain some more perspective.  No, it doesn’t and won’t change anything that’s already happened.  i get that much.  But, it might actually help me to understand a bit more and be a little more open to talking to and maybe even helping someone else, along the way.  i dunno.  IF i can help just one person…. maybe Shelby’s death wasn’t in vain.