but right now my mind is screaming i need someone who has social phobia and has learned to overcome it. i need to know the steps. "find a therapist" is too vague for me. it scares me just as badly as going into a crowded area or a family gathering. honestly i don't belive a therapist is going to do anything differently than any of my loved ones would do… ask me how i'm feeling… why i'm feeling that way… what can i do to make myself not feel that way… all things that make my anxiety fly through the roof.
i don't work. i'm 20 and have never had a job. money is sadly weaved into my issues. i hate that i need it for everything. the pills, the doctor visits, the therapy, the food, the clothes… all of that puts a strain on my mother. and i hate that. at 20 i need to be supporting myself. my boyfriend is doing it. hell, he was supporting his family when he started working at 17. i know. don't compare yourself to other people. so easy.
maybe its not the vagueness. maybe i am just too lazy to follow through with anything. i've known for some time now that cardio helps immensely with 'burning off' anxiety. so why am i not running? oh yeah, i hate leaving the house.
look at that… three silly paragraphs and i'm already lost in my mind. i need help… i'm not sure i want it. sometimes i think i need to hit rock bottom. i don't think i can actually hit rock bottom on these pills. i also don't think a person "like me" should be thinking about the rocky bottoms.
i can see the self-pitty in this blog post. it makes me sick. i can't handle my mind.
i don't know.
i do know i want to delete this blog.
I had Social Phobia when I was younger and I sometimes still struggle with being around other people but here is what I did. I don't know if it'll help but I figured I'd post it anyways.
I graduated high school and took some time off before heading to college. My nerves were shot, I couldn't handle it, so I simply refused to go.
I got a job September 30th so I had been out of school for about 4 months by then. I had to, I had no choice. I was so messed up back then that my Dad is the one who drove me around to put in applications.
I was required to be friendly with the customers so I could'nt simply avoid them, obviously. So, I smiled, I said hi, and I forced myself to talk to people. I didn't want to be standoffish, I didn't want to be mean or rude, I wanted to be normal so very badly that if someone tried to talk to me, I desperately searched my head for responses, just anything, any way to continue the conversation.
I worked there for about 5 months. After that, I quit. I couldn't handle one of my supervisers treating me like shit and I walked out in tears.
I started college 6 months later. I realized that I hated being talked down to, both by my co-workers and the public, because people had decided that "lyke lol shes a cashier so she must be dum lol". Keep in mind that if I hadn't gotten a job at all, people would have said that I was a lazy brat living off her parents so it was a lose-lose situation for me.
I knew I could do better and I didn't want to deal with crap anymore so college was the only real option I had. The school I chose was an hour away and I had to live there, there was no other way. So, I forced it. I was scared out of my mind and so upset that I cried but I forced it.
I went like this for a long time, having to make decisions that were tough, ones that I didn't like, that I knew would benefit me. I regretted them later, when the anxiety attacks and crying came on, but in the back of my head, I knew that I had to put myself in those situations that I couldn't get out of later.
Today, I can go out in public relatively fine…I still have some problems but not nearly as bad as before when I refused to go anywhere at all…but I've found that I simply cannot live with a stranger. I don't care what anyone says, I don't care if people think I should "get over it" and just force it. That is my limit, that is the line I will not cross. I am who I am and I consider myself to be better off today than I was 4 years ago and it all came, largely, from knowing I needed to get better and forcing myself to do so even if it made me cry.
So basically, I backed myself into corners… >.>
I don't know if that helps any but that's what did it for me.
I am glad that you did NOT delete it. 🙂