My depression feels like an all consuming fire. Inside I am burning, yet the cool water of hope will never come to extinguish it. I look in the mirror and see the person I hate the most. I have lost everything due to my depression. It started first with the mistakes at work, and ended with me not being able to even get out of bed. I was fired, my car was repossessed, all was lost. I suck at the money teet that my grandparents offer to me, just so I can survive. Nothing makes sense to me. I am all alone. I have no friends, I have no life. 

My daily life consists of getting up at four in the afternoon, smoking four cigarettes in succession with about three cups of coffee. I mourn my waking hours, and fantasize about when sleep will come next. People ridicule me for being mentally ill. I have five mental disorders.

#1. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (From the years of childhood abuse)

#2. Major Depressive Disorder

#3. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

#4. Panic Disorder

#5. Social Anxiety Disorder

 

The depression is the worst however. I think about dying a lot. I think about it, late at night, when insomnia has take over my mind, and when I stand in the dark kitchen, a glass of water in my right hand, and in the left a full bottle of the anti-anxiety medication Klonopin. While the ongoing burning despair and depression eats at my insides, turning them to ash, I think about how quickly I could end it all. I do this every night, and every night I chicken out, but then when I wake up in the morning I assure myself that I will be able to do it, that this night would be different, that this night I might not be such a coward. 

I know others feel like I do, and to those reading this who have felt this way, I reach out to you. Message me with anything, anything at all…I will try to help you, because it helps me when I know I'm helping others…the only way we can survive this is if we are in it together….

Peace. Love. Hope….

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