I'm truly floating between extreme feelings right now.
Above me is anger and hate for the fact I feel trapped at home, I have no privacy and I am so sick of living with my parents.
In front of me is uni and the joy of the knowledge I get to go back in around 4 weeks time.
Then below me is a frightful fear and extreme sadness because I just have zero money, I can't handle the stress of thinking about where I'll find money to pay for bills and food this year.
And then right behind me is an enormous anxiety about what happens next – after uni, where do I go? what do I do? Do i have to come back to this house and live her with my parents?!? I'll actually fall apart if I have to try and come to terms with that outcome, no way do I want this.
I guessed this is the summary of confusion.
Plus last night I had such vivid and horrifying dreams… I think today everything just hasn't felt right.
I'm thinking now, I can't blame the fact I missed 3 days of taking 5 htp – but also, is that a reasonable excuse? I was copying before & now I'm not. Or do I just face facts – nothing is going to fix me?! Life is full of worry and bad things, and I am not build to deal with it – maybe this is just my life. I am to sit and feel like everything is closing in around me, like no body gives a damn about my petty problems and that I'll have to face everything and try and fix everything on my own.
My future scares me. Was is the point in living like this? why can't somebody just fix it.
Yeah, I know a lot of you will be thinking – time is the best healer and things will turn out okay, because thats what I always tell myself – but when you're trapped in the moment looking in all directions and seeing nothing but hard times….. times seems like the cruelest option.
It's been almost exactly 3 years since everything exploded in my little world – when all the bad things happened & when I was diagnosed…. I know I've grown so much since then, I'm a different person & yeah in that respect time has helped me. But I honestly feel my life at this point now, 20 and facing a cloudly future – I don't feel like I can cope…… maybe another 3 years would do it.
It'll either make me or break me facing all these problems.