I so this every time Im home alone. I tear my room apart looking for drugs.

I didn't even want to find anything. Last night I had a dream that I come across some cocaine and In the dream I rememberd how crazy it made me and I ran away.

It's just a habit really. I made myself some irish coffee ( is it still irish coffee if I make it with Jager?)

I just…..It's a habitt. I guess my drinking is slowly creeping back which is ironic because I am so afraid of using drugs again so I drink ( for some reason I never drank and did drugs together). Luckily due to my last suicide attempte I have the internal system of a 90 year old so I can't really drink. after one drink or 17 oz I puke….so a few time a week I have a drink, I puke then I have terrible tummy problems, I tell myself It's the last time I try that, then two seconds later I tell myself It's not….then a few days a week goes by ( lately can't even go a week) and I drink again.

I think it's the last time I search the house/room for drugs. while I was searching I felt A. pathetic and B. I knew myself…the whole time I told myself two things…I know my room is tapped out, and not too long ago I found enough for a joint….I was so scared to smoke it but I promised myself if I dont get high Im not gonna smoke anymore. I didnt get high and Im not one to break a promise…so after a short search mainly to know what it feels like to search my room with no intent to get high, no intent to call any old conacts and no intent to go score…..I decided to explore my real reason for wanting to run away.

Im in a rut. a real one.

My bf and I are facing real problems and tension in our relationship, were both depressed. Mainly because of his mother, and becuase were always stuck in his small room. Just in bed watching TV.

Not talking, when we do talk we just argue. I sped hours pretending to sleep hating his mother. I have been to enough meetings to know anger wont get me anywhere but I just can't release my hatred towards her, and it's hard to since everytime he gets out of the room she either yells hatefull things about him or me.

I have been having headaches, not from drinking, I don't know from what.

maybe it's withdrawls from the phsyc meds and the opiates.

well, looks like I won't get hammerd, I never do, i don't want to drink anymore I don't get anything out of it.

I don't enjoy being under the influence anymore, I don't enjoy anything anymore. I only enjoy sleeping, I get these crazy dreams but I learn so much about myself in my dreams. I'll take a melatonin it enhances my dreams. I think I'll start keeping a dream diary.

I asked my mom to find me a good life coach I really want to get out of this mental mess.

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