Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, my saddness I do weep.

Tonight is one of those nights tortured by thoughts and memories, wondering about what's come and gone and what lies ahead.

I recently had a drean that I was a child and there was another child with me and there was a man driving a truck as I recall across a bridge that was made pf wooden slats, as we were driving across this bridge we were laughing and happy but then the bridge seem to go into the water so the truck slowed down and eased forward and in lunged into the water, I awoke from the dream abit shaken. I told my councelor about it briefly and she said I feel as though I am drowning.

I long for the time when I can once again be of value and useful.

I think about the people that have said they loved mebut can move forward without me, not even saying goodbye…. they didn't love me…'s been every single person I've ever meet, with a few exceptions. I guess it still eats away at me that I miss them, and they do not miss me, no one is calling, sending me a card, or e-mail, nothing, like I meant nothing in the scheme of life.I will never have any lasting relationships, so I grasp at the fact that I will spend my time on the plant loving you and losing you and feeling the way I'm feeling now, It won't get easier, nor any better to feel the betrayal, its never healed with time either. If I had money I'd move somewhere where I could be alone and go into town on occasion and have a few close friends, butI would perhaps be active in voluntering or something to help my area, who know's. It's been a year and five month's and I still feel as though I'm experencing so much loss, anger, pain and distrust, will I ever heal from my losses. I just don't understand why people in my life say they love me and then they disappear.I'm sick of humans, and of life right now, but I do love the world and miss it, I have faith that things will improve someday, somehow, it's just really diffcult to see the good in people or life in this situation.

In a yr. from now I'll look back on this in disbelief that this was my life, I'll be happy……


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