Dear Ex Best Friend,
You’ve been in my head a lot lately. For the last few nights you’ve been invading my dreams, making me wonder why you’d just up and leave. I keep getting unwanted loops of thoughts- replaying our best and worst memories, trying to solve a puzzle I will never have all the pieces to. I know you’re the latest target of my pure O, but it’s so tough to turn my brain off. I cried today for the first time (in a very long time) during my psych appointment when I was describing what it felt like loosing our friendship. Even saying your name made me emotional because I realized how much I let you into my life. As someone who survived sexual abuse and trauma as a young girl, I’d always subconsciously (and sometimes intentionally) sought out people (especially men) that I could connect with and make me feel safe. I’d wear men like armor- seeking out the champion older brother to protect me from the villain I fought alone. A guy who would just like me for me- not have any agenda or other motive for being around me. I guess I projected that role onto you, and now that you’ve left, I’ve lost that sense of security and it’s terrifying. I know that’s probably unfair of me, but it’s the truth. You said I’d made such a difference in your life and that you’d always be there for me, but I guess you didn’t mean that now. Do you miss me at all? What will you say the next time you see me with our mutual friends? Heck, what will I say? I still don’t know the answer to that. I need to find a way to get you off my mind and accept the loss of your friendship. I’d be over the moon if one day you came back and explained the sudden silence, but I know that will likely never happen. I miss you, I care about you, and no matter what I’ll always be here if you need me.