OCD is one of the most fierce, persistent, cunning enemies a person can have. I have spent years trying to take it down and every time I get close, it morphs itself into something new, something I don’t know how to fight. Like the hydra that grows two more heads after one is chopped off, OCD has a way of changing, making sure you never know exactly how to handle it.
For years I worried about my intrusive thoughts. It was horrible, unbearable agony to have my own mind turn against me. I didn’t understand why these thoughts would appear and the images my mind produced were horrible. I would imagine bizarre, disgusting sexual scenarios, worry about becoming violent and hurting children. For years I suffered alone, not knowing how to help myself. I would seek reassurance from my friends and family who grew tired of listening to my worries.
Now that I am older I know OCD for what it is and the bizarre, intense thoughts have subsided. I no longer worry about what I might do, as it has taken me years to accept that it is OCD and not me. Then, seeing that I was conquering it, my OCD decided a new approach, one that was more painful, one I could not fight. It decided to bombard my mind with every bad thing I had ever done, all of my most horrible, shameful secrets, and pour them down on me at once. Suddenly that shameful secret from 10 years ago has come raining down on me as painful as if it happened yesterday. My mind has not been able to cope with my OCD and I have broken down crying for no other reason than I just don’t see how I can carry on. As soon as I think I understand my enemy, it devises a new plan of attack, one I am not ready for.
Worrying about things you have already done is somehow so much worse than worrying about the potential future. It is your OCD drudging up all the shame, guilt and agony of the past and forcing you to wear it around your neck. I think of all my wrong doings in the past and know that this is not OCD, this is a real thing I have done and I must live with. And with the guilt and shame come hatred. So much hatred for my mental illness and for myself, for my brain which seems determined to take me down like a self destructive machine. It’s on days like this when my OCD wins and I wonder if I can ever defeat this monster.
I can totally relate to what you’ve been through/what you’re going through. I had the WORST intrusive thoughts for a long time, but I think they happened so often that I began to expect OCD’s next move and they kind of just disappeared. Kind of like giving the enemy little power type of thing I guess. Things were good for awhile after that. And then the guilt from my wrongdoings seeped into my brain. I knew it was just my OCD, but still, it causes awfulllll feelings of anxiety and guilt. I’m not sure how to work through these thoughts because they are things that have happened (although, my brain makes it seem much worse than it actually was) and it just won’t let me forget it.
I hope you find relief soon! Living on a prayer over here and I’ll say an extra one for you too.
Jada
Thanks Jada! Yeah, it’s the worst. I finally begin to learn to cope with “what ifs” and then I stress about things I’ve already done and can’t change. Plus, I worry about things I did years ago so when I try to recall the details they are kind of fuzzy. Then I get angry with myself for not remembering something that happened 10 years ago. I am beginning to miss the “what if” thoughts which is something I never thought I’d say.
Totally agree with you! I can’t remember every little detail of the things my OCD thinks I should feel guilty about which, in turn, makes me feel even more guilty. I think we just need to keep moving forward and remember that the little things we did aren’t something to worry about unless they are affecting someone today. Everything happens for a reason and if we were really that bad of people, we would definitely already know; our OCD wouldn’t be trying so hard to persuade us as such.
I agree. It’s so hard when your anxiety is telling you that you are a horrible person. It’s hard not to listen to that little voice.