I had a weird incident over the summer I am still on and off trying to process. I keep thinking I'm done with it then I worry again.
Here goes:
I'm 28. I was out with a friend and getting food and I saw a young teenage girl, maybe 15 or 16 working the register. I get this thought that she's attractive but I know she is too young so I dismiss it. But I keep wresting the thought. THen I feel like its causing me sexual tension so I begin to think I am actually attracted to her. That's problem #1.
Problem 2 is that I've got this bizarre OCD where IknowI am not attracted to children or minors. This is a bit complicated so I apologize for how confusing this will get but my OCD has created this really convoluted fear in me.
I have this basically made up fear that I am turned on by either "doing the wrong thing" or "doing something I don't want to/shouldn't do".
So my fear with children turns into this idea that I am bumping into them or making physical contact with them not because I am attracted to them but I somehow see it as wrong or sexual, and then get turned on by doing the wrong thing.
So what does this have to do with the 15 year old girl? Well, when I realized I might make contact with her when I give her money to pay for the food, I freaked out inside. I had this idea that in handing her the money my hand may hit her or rub hers and I might cause her or me a pleasurable physical sensation in the hand, that would be wrong, and I'd be doing it to turn myself on. So I keep telling myself "Don't do anything weird". Then I realize it's just gonna be her taking the money from me so she doesnt have to touch my hand ,but I freak out, "What if the money againt my hand feels pleasurable as she pulls it?" And then she's there, taking the money from me and I have this thought like "Don't move your hand, keep it there" as if my brain is telling me PURPOSELY to do the wrong thing. I can't 100% member what happened, it's a blur at this point, but I cannot FATHOM why I suddenly just let it happen! Why did I just do the thing I did NOT want to do on purpose? Can anyone help?
I've replayed it a million times telling myself I just got locked up when I had the thought and froze. I remember feeling horrified right after the money left my hand like "Why did I just do that!?" and feeling like a horrible person for days. I got over it but it keeps coming back. I get like this sometimes and I don't get it. I'll think "Avoid this person" "move your leg out of the way so they don't brush you!" and SUDDENLY I HAVE THE OPPOSITE THOUGHT and bam I'm locked up and letting it happen like I want it to happen. Why!? I hate this and I hate that it happened…
I don't have that type of OCD, but I have heard of people with it before- it's quite common in the OCD world, so know that it's not just you. I do however have times when my OCD will create opposing thoughts in my head- like I will really not want to think about something and it seemingly instantly creates those thoughts when I don't want them. It's a strange thing. Just remember, it's not you, it's your OCD.
I understand what youre going through! I have had basically every OCD issue you can think of but now that ive self trained (Thanks to God!!) myself not to do compulsions so much anymore I'm basically Pure O, still awful but manageable. It's not you its just the OCD i know its hard but if youre not going to take any steps to get therapy, etc. then youll have to self train like i have! God bless! i hope you feel better!