I think I'm going to end up typing up a lot of these at nights. While my OCD is prominent during the day, I usually have a few minutes or hours of freedom or distraction from it. At night, not so much.
I was feeling pretty good these last couple of days. I've had a lot of social time, and a lot of time to feel more 'normal' and accepting of myself. One of my friends told me that she herself doesn't drive; because, I quote: "Are you kidding me? I'd kill someone!"
I know she hadn't meant that the same way which I think it. (As I don't drive because I believe I'd purposely try to hit pedestrians or fellow cars, or during an anxiety attack just not hit the breaks or something) But hearing that somebody else doesn't drive makes me feel a lot less pathetic about it. (I feel embarassed everytime I tell people I don't drive. I don't tell them why (it'd be a lengthy explanation and I'm sure many of them wouldn't take to it well), but I constantly worry people are judging me while we live in a society where driving is basically a necessity. The same anxiety I feel on finding a new job now that I'm laid off. (I wander if people do think I'm a leech on society? The real reason is that I'm very scared, and not 'normal' scared – scared as in terrified, as in … my stomach shuts down and I want to cry.)
But all that has nothing to do with while I'm writing this blog tonight. Whatever, I guess it all ties together as I haven't been on here for a few days.
My boyfriend is sleeping silenty beside me and that's where the trouble starts. Because at night I feel most people are more vulnerable, I'm worried I'd try to hurt him or something while he was sleeping. Worst yet, we're moving in together in to our own apartment on December 1st-and no one else will be living with us! What happens if I act on my thoughts, and no one is around!? :(( I really want to wake him and tell him my concerns, but he has to work tomorrow … and he doesn't really wake up from sleeping until he has his full sleep time.
But what if? I feel like I could. I keep twisting my feet around while I lie down because I'm worried if I stop I'd act on my thougths. (I suppose that's a compulsion? Never really thought of it as one … but I guess thinking that if I stop moving my feet … something horrible will happen is sort of the same?) We'll be alone together soon! I'm so worried…gah!!! 🙁 Maybe I should consider sleep medication or soemthing…maybe we shouldn't move out alone? But I want to be independent…this is a big turning point for us and our relationship!
And! The baby thoughts, too. I'm not having a baby within these next two years, but I know I want one very soon. (Hopefully in 3 years.) But as much as I'd love to be a mother, how on Earth could I be one if I'd be afraid of holding a baby for fear of dropping him/her? The other day, my friend's daughter celebrated her first birthday and it went really well! There were tons of babies and I got to hold one and I actually may have forgotten about those terrible thoughts…blah. I know I shouldn't worry about it now but the baby thing always spikes up my anxiety!!!
I also hate how tired I feel and how I know that as soon as I'm done typing this little blog, I'll be forced to think and obsess over how I maybe a dangerous person for the next hour. I know that no one who has ever had OCD has ever acted on them, but I feel like I could. I don't want to. I don't ever want anyone to feel hurt. I always worry about others be uncomfortable or harmed by my actions … why I Earth do I have to have these morbid thoughts?
I confess, I feel different from other OCD sufferers. I feel like I have much to guilty for and that's why I can't move on. I feel like I COULD do something because I've acted on thoughts before. One time, at a swimming pool, when I was 13, I jumped on a girl swimming in the deep-end off the diving board…she could have been very hurt! But I still jumped! I KNEW she was there! I don't know why any of the other kids continued to jump, and perhaps one kid may have yelled 'GET A MOVE ON' when I hesistated…but that could have been before I purposely acted on the thought … I even remember thinking before I hit the water (in mid air); "Here we go. I did it. My life is about to change. Jail time. " Yes, I don't know WHY the girl was permitted to swim in the deep end (three lifeguards and none of them asked to leave the area? I always got yelled at for swimming in that part!) Or why none of the other kids seemed concern. And I did jump on her. I asked her right after if she was OK and she claimed that I had broken her leg and limped off to tell her mother – who did nothing. But to me, no one can convince me of my thoughts or feelings for that day. Even when people say; "You didn't know!" I think; "But I did!" I think I just want people to say; "It's OK. I love you either way." I am very guilty and terrible. I acted on it, thus, perhaps I'm actual capable and different.
The other time, I was driving, and my mother wanted me to drive into a very busy intersection. I was stressed by this, so I told my mother that I would only go into it if she said; "GO!" I refused to actually look (an unsafe action which I had no real reason to do because maybe I wasn't as stressed out as I thought?) and when she did say "GO!" I almost crashed into another car – good thing the other driver stopped and had sense. What would have happened if I hit him/her? They could have had kids…could have been hurt. All because I refused to look? Why did I refuse to look? Yes, I was stressed…but I knew better. You'd think I would've opted to be more observant. Maybe I did look a little. I remember saying; "You sure?" But I didn't really want anyone hurt, I just felt like … I dunno. I don't think I looked but..
If any of my friends or loved ones knew, would they keep loving me? I tell this story to my close friends…but I don't know if they take it seriously.
Anyway, that was a very big confession and I admit I'm scared for the responses. I'm sorry. It's just if I should tell people why I can't move on it should be people who suffer from the same thing as me – shouldn't it?
I know feeling alone is common, I wish I could refuse time and fix what I've done … why did I do it if I knew i'd suffer? It's like … in the moment, I can't think. Or I feel pressured. Or I just want somebody to reach out to me.
But I just want these feelings to stop. I want to love myself. I want confidence. I want to stop worrying about what others think and I want to let go of what I did. I want to make sure I never do it again.
Hate this. 🙁
I also don't drive because I'm afraid that I'll cause a wreck, and I don't have a job and worry that people will wonder what's wrong with me and think that I'm a freeloader.
The majority of my obsessions and compulsions usually don't revolve around harming others. It's always myself. So I don't know if my response will be helpful. And you've probably heard it a million times before. But the fact that you're very concerned about harming others shows that you have a conscience and you would never do that. The people who do harm others for no reason would never be concerned about their actions in the way that you are.
As for the pool incident, I'm sure most other 13-year-olds have done the same thing. It's an impulsive and rambuctious age. Even when you did decide to jump into the pool, you were thinking about the consequences of your "bad" action. And you asked her if she was okay. Again, people who enjoy harming others don't do these things.
Stress can cause well-meaning people to do impulsive things, like pulling out in front of the car. But it doesn't make you a bad person, since you were concerned about the other driver. When my OCD first started really acting up, I was driving home from college and ticking very badly. I rolled through a stop sign and saw a cop coming. The thought went through my head, "A cop is coming. I better stop and not pull out in front of him." But I did it anyway. I even remember thinking later, "Why in the hell did I pull out in front of a COP!?"
But I realized it was due to the extreme stress I was under, with my non-stop ticking. Unfortunately, the cop still gave me a ticket…ugh. I knew I wasn't truly a bad person, because I had a moment of concern about pulling out in front of him.
Hope this helps![\"\"](\"/images/smile/emo/001_smile.gif\")
Hi Fallingangel,
Thank you for your thoughts. If you read the whole thing, WOW! You're amazing. 😉 It was made at night in my tired state … as you probably noticed, my thoughts were just racing!
I know you said that you don't carry Harm OCD, but I can relate to your first quote, regarding the the car and the constant worry of people judging me. I think I'm just reall afraid of obtaining a job because it causes the stress to go up. On a plus side, it often is distracting. (Unless I have an OCD anxiety 'attack'.)
I am very concerned of my actions. I love people. So these thoughts make no sense. I feel sad for others, I cry for others … I never ever want someone dead or hurt because of me.
I definitely don't enjoy harming others. What if I actually had broken her leg!?! That's just as bad to me! Probably hadn't…otherwise I'm sure when she had tattled on me to her Mother she would have penalized or confronted me instead of ignoredi t.
I agree, extreme stress triggers it. I remember begging my Mom to not make me do it, she had thought I was doing so well … she wasn't aware that I really didn't think I was ready and that I was very stressed by the high traffic and pace of the intersection. (It over whelmed me.)
And concern for hurting yourself is almost the same…I mean, you're a person who matters to people!
Unknowable – Yes, I know not driving is an avoidance behaviour. It's a very disabeling avoidance behaviour because I graduated from the Social Service Worker program and usually SSW jobs require you to have your own transportation! The whole incident which I mentioned actually happened when I was 16 – (the year people in Ontario, Canada can begin driving). I'm 21 now and that basic licence is about to expire unless I upgrade to the next class … I'll probably end up paying $125.00 CA just to take the stupid written test. I don't see myself figuring out the driving thing in only a few months.
Lenotra – 60? Wow…40 more years with it than me. I guess it doesn't matter too much to me … this thing has been with me my entire life and it's difficult to imagine it not being there, isn't it? The pool incident started because one of the girls (not the girl who was swimming underneath the diving board) was handicapped, she had to wear a helmet because if anything hit her on the head, she'd die instantly. (At least, someone told me that. I attended the same school as this girl and knew her personally.) I used to have to personally supervise her during school hours. I would always fear 'what if?" as in what if I just hit her on the head? Never happened. For some reason, that thought (while I swam) scared me. (That girl was there, but she was in the shallow end, very far away from me.) The girl I jumped on was handicapped too – but not with the same thing. Maybe delayed. I don't know what she was. Well, she wore no helmet. But I think her handicap was why she claimed I had her broken her leg … about 4 of my friends swam with me that day, all of them utterly confused as to what I was stressing about. But that's why I got the obsessive thought while in the pool. It's like my brain fabricated that the girl was the other girl … but I knew the whole time she wasn't.
Like I said, I can't clearly remember details. It's plausible that I just wanted to jump again and I started feeling stressed out by a line-up; I don't know if the line-up had subsided at that point. I can't remember.
But I'm getting tired of thinking about it nearly every day.
The vulnerable sleep thing you're interested in? I've carried the same thought as you, actually – regarding the 'what if I just slept dreamt and did it?' BUT! My dreams never surround harming anyone (funny, eh? My thoughts are full of it, but my dreams carry nothing pretaining to it!) So, I'm not obsessive over that.
My brain always thinks of creative new 'what if?' Hence, I'm already stressing over an non-existant baby, already feeling guilty about it. My anxiety has certainly expanded to anything horrible you could thing of. It's like … every year, "What new, creative thing will my brain do this year?"
But I can't help to recover until I let this go. It's like my brain picks out little things to hold me back or maybe I do? I don't know. XD All I wish is I could turn time back and relax myself over something during the incident.