I think I'm going to end up typing up a lot of these at nights. While my OCD is prominent during the day, I usually have a few minutes or hours of freedom or distraction from it. At night, not so much.
I was feeling pretty good these last couple of days. I've had a lot of social time, and a lot of time to feel more 'normal' and accepting of myself. One of my friends told me that she herself doesn't drive; because, I quote: "Are you kidding me? I'd kill someone!"
I know she hadn't meant that the same way which I think it. (As I don't drive because I believe I'd purposely try to hit pedestrians or fellow cars, or during an anxiety attack just not hit the breaks or something) But hearing that somebody else doesn't drive makes me feel a lot less pathetic about it. (I feel embarassed everytime I tell people I don't drive. I don't tell them why (it'd be a lengthy explanation and I'm sure many of them wouldn't take to it well), but I constantly worry people are judging me while we live in a society where driving is basically a necessity. The same anxiety I feel on finding a new job now that I'm laid off. (I wander if people do think I'm a leech on society? The real reason is that I'm very scared, and not 'normal' scared – scared as in terrified, as in … my stomach shuts down and I want to cry.)
But all that has nothing to do with while I'm writing this blog tonight. Whatever, I guess it all ties together as I haven't been on here for a few days.
My boyfriend is sleeping silenty beside me and that's where the trouble starts. Because at night I feel most people are more vulnerable, I'm worried I'd try to hurt him or something while he was sleeping. Worst yet, we're moving in together in to our own apartment on December 1st-and no one else will be living with us! What happens if I act on my thoughts, and no one is around!? :(( I really want to wake him and tell him my concerns, but he has to work tomorrow … and he doesn't really wake up from sleeping until he has his full sleep time.
But what if? I feel like I could. I keep twisting my feet around while I lie down because I'm worried if I stop I'd act on my thougths. (I suppose that's a compulsion? Never really thought of it as one … but I guess thinking that if I stop moving my feet … something horrible will happen is sort of the same?) We'll be alone together soon! I'm so worried…gah!!! 🙁 Maybe I should consider sleep medication or soemthing…maybe we shouldn't move out alone? But I want to be independent…this is a big turning point for us and our relationship!
And! The baby thoughts, too. I'm not having a baby within these next two years, but I know I want one very soon. (Hopefully in 3 years.) But as much as I'd love to be a mother, how on Earth could I be one if I'd be afraid of holding a baby for fear of dropping him/her? The other day, my friend's daughter celebrated her first birthday and it went really well! There were tons of babies and I got to hold one and I actually may have forgotten about those terrible thoughts…blah. I know I shouldn't worry about it now but the baby thing always spikes up my anxiety!!!
I also hate how tired I feel and how I know that as soon as I'm done typing this little blog, I'll be forced to think and obsess over how I maybe a dangerous person for the next hour. I know that no one who has ever had OCD has ever acted on them, but I feel like I could. I don't want to. I don't ever want anyone to feel hurt. I always worry about others be uncomfortable or harmed by my actions … why I Earth do I have to have these morbid thoughts?
I confess, I feel different from other OCD sufferers. I feel like I have much to guilty for and that's why I can't move on. I feel like I COULD do something because I've acted on thoughts before. One time, at a swimming pool, when I was 13, I jumped on a girl swimming in the deep-end off the diving board…she could have been very hurt! But I still jumped! I KNEW she was there! I don't know why any of the other kids continued to jump, and perhaps one kid may have yelled 'GET A MOVE ON' when I hesistated…but that could have been before I purposely acted on the thought … I even remember thinking before I hit the water (in mid air); "Here we go. I did it. My life is about to change. Jail time. " Yes, I don't know WHY the girl was permitted to swim in the deep end (three lifeguards and none of them asked to leave the area? I always got yelled at for swimming in that part!) Or why none of the other kids seemed concern. And I did jump on her. I asked her right after if she was OK and she claimed that I had broken her leg and limped off to tell her mother – who did nothing. But to me, no one can convince me of my thoughts or feelings for that day. Even when people say; "You didn't know!" I think; "But I did!" I think I just want people to say; "It's OK. I love you either way." I am very guilty and terrible. I acted on it, thus, perhaps I'm actual capable and different.
The other time, I was driving, and my mother wanted me to drive into a very busy intersection. I was stressed by this, so I told my mother that I would only go into it if she said; "GO!" I refused to actually look (an unsafe action which I had no real reason to do because maybe I wasn't as stressed out as I thought?) and when she did say "GO!" I almost crashed into another car – good thing the other driver stopped and had sense. What would have happened if I hit him/her? They could have had kids…could have been hurt. All because I refused to look? Why did I refuse to look? Yes, I was stressed…but I knew better. You'd think I would've opted to be more observant. Maybe I did look a little. I remember saying; "You sure?" But I didn't really want anyone hurt, I just felt like … I dunno. I don't think I looked but..
If any of my friends or loved ones knew, would they keep loving me? I tell this story to my close friends…but I don't know if they take it seriously.
Anyway, that was a very big confession and I admit I'm scared for the responses. I'm sorry. It's just if I should tell people why I can't move on it should be people who suffer from the same thing as me – shouldn't it?
I know feeling alone is common, I wish I could refuse time and fix what I've done … why did I do it if I knew i'd suffer? It's like … in the moment, I can't think. Or I feel pressured. Or I just want somebody to reach out to me.
But I just want these feelings to stop. I want to love myself. I want confidence. I want to stop worrying about what others think and I want to let go of what I did. I want to make sure I never do it again.
Hate this. 🙁