Im tired, of pretending to be ok, of feeling ive got the wrong end of the stick, of drawing the short fucking straw one to many times! i dont know whats wrong with me my own mind has been torturing me for just over too years now. when i first came across OCD i hoped i had found the answer to whatever is going on inside my head, i thought i was schizophrenic. all i know is that it came from nowhere then bang it hit me like a tun of bricks and its never left. my doctor says it isnt ocd its because of all the weed and skunk i used to smoke who knows?, all i know is that on the verge of desperation after crying myself to sleep repeatedly praying, singing lines of random songs to overide the thoughts and endlessly researching books and the internet to find out what was wrong eith me. i simply wrote my symtoms into google i wrote Compulsive obsessive thoughts before i even knew what ocd stood for, i just thought it mean u wash your hands till their red raw beacause u dont wanna catch any germs! how wrong was i. at ist it was bad i coudnt eat i couldnt sleep, it felt like my heart was beating so fast and loud all the time i could actually hear it, continously doubting what id always believed in, i couldnt talk about it properly for over a year i started to withdraw and just sit their and cry , i coundnt tell anyone what was wrong who would understand i was sent to a counceller who when through the tears tey finally got something out of me the next session they had forgotten, they only added to the trauma becar the sae answers they were asking me i had already asked myself, i thought i was evil,i felt dirty, it even tore friendship of ten years apart,  since the beginning the doctor has kept on trying to give me drugs but im terrified of putting on weight . i dont want to live the rest of my life worrying about things i dont want to do, i dont know if what i got is ocd but when i first read other peoples experiences i burst into tears beacause i thought i was the only one in the world that felt this way, it has gotten better since it has and found other people who feel similar  started but i do have bad days, the image's of me doing stuff are not so frequent and entrusive, i dont really have to think of god thoughts to overide the bad anymore, though the thoughts never leave for longer than an hour at the most a day, thats why i try to keep busy to try and get away from the endless cirlces doubts reason and persuaion i just wanna get on with my life. but it feels im all alone, i dont even know why im writing this i have never written it down before i suppose i was afraid some one close to me would find it writing it here makes me feel safe thanx


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