Things haven’t been very good lately. I’ve been feeling even more depressed and anxious than usual and I’m basically ripping everything to shreds.
My weight is bothering me for starters. I gained a lot of weight in the last year or so mostly due to a lack of motivation. I’d eat whatever I wanted and work out maybe once a month or something. I was too stressed and upset to do much else and it wrecked my body. And now my metabolism seems to be total crap as I’m not digesting anything properly and yet I’m hungry almost all the time. When I eat though, I feel sick and my stomach feels entirely too big even though I’ve been eating better and working out and it’s really discouraging .I’ve thought about giving up entirely on more than one occasion despite having only been at it for maybe two or three weeks now. I went to Curves today though anyways but I felt like crying the entire time.
School hasn’t straightened itself out yet and I can’t seem to do anything about it. My advisor won’t contact me even though I left her a message and emailed her on Saturday. It’s been weeks since we last talked and she promised she’d call but she hasn’t yet and I can’t see how it’s possible that more than a month after school has ended, she still hasn’t had the chance to propose my plan for a major to whoever is in charge. I think I’m being brushed off and I’m furious.
Work is going okay. I hated it at first because it was so boring but it’s getting better. I don’t get paid until the 15th or 16th though so it’ll be a pretty nice check since it should be for a month of work.
My boyfriend and I keep bickering though, mainly because of me. I hate that every time I show him a game or a book or a movie or a show, he doesn’t like it. We don’t seem to share anything anymore and it leaves me feeling alone and like a loser. It almost feels like he’s just really arrogant and can’t give me credit for anything but I can’t tell. He says it’s in my head. Either way, sometimes I find myself noticing other men out of sheer loneliness. I don’t feel like I have a best friend anymore, I feel like I’m entirely on my own.
I cry every day now. I panic mostly at night. I feel no hope whatsoever for the future, I am full to the brim of pain, fear, self-hatred ,and disappointment. Sometimes I feel so down and frightened that I want to dump my boyfriend and quit college and just stay at home, I don’t want to be an adult anymore but I know that’s a stupid thing to say.