I don't know where else to go but here. I should be writing my blogs on WORD and not publishing them for anyone in the world to see, but I am hoping that maybe some of the readers here will feel less alone or at least inspired to get help before they end up like me.

I had a fight with my dad at dinner and he will be mad at me for days now. I get PMS and it makes me twice as crazy, if you can imagine that. I can't believe Obama mentioned FB in his speech, like it's something we are lucky to have, well I can't have it because they don't want me anymore than anywhere else does. And doesn't he know it's just a greedy corporation? I thought he was supposed to be against that?He isjust as greedy himself asall the others.All politcians are the same. Also, I don't see him doing much for the mentally ill. Out of everyone in the nation WE need the most help. There isn't even a hospital for me to go to in my area. If I crack I will end up tied to a bed in a regular hospital witha bunch of annoyed nurseswho have no idea what to do with me.

I ate my dinner with my hands and hid in the closet. Then I thought to myselfthat if people stopped blaming people like me for our illnesses, I would be much less irate and more willing to help myself. How can I want to even start when I always get blamed for my illness? Everyone thinks I'm lazy, pathetic, complaining, whining likeI ENJOY it! Well I hate it. I hate every single minute of it and NO I can not do much about it. I love how they think I can just wave a fucken magic wand and make myself a healthy wonderful and worthwhile person.

The truth is I am useless and worthless and I'm not feeling sorry for myself I just do not have to power to change. I can't just stand up and decide things are going to be different. It's like trying to will Cancer away, you can't. I can't even rely on medication because there are so many kinds and most don't work. Drugs are just a dangerous cocktail of chemicals to experiment with whether they are prescription medicationsor illegal. Drugs are drugs, they are never the answer in the end and they aren't for me either.

I keep thinking about being a social reject. It makes sense that I can't even fit in online. God I disgust myself and I can't even escape in sleep because I either have insomnia or it's too noisy around here to sleep. All of it just makes me crazier. If I had someone special to calm me down and be there for me it could be so much different. I hate Kyle for ignoring me and rejecting me once again. God, I hope he suffers half the pain I have in his lifetime. Fat, stupid, rotten FUCK.