Well lately I’ve been bein encouraged by many people to blog as often as possible. And I must admit it does help. I’m much to anxious and shy to talk about my problems and what’s upsetting me in person; hence blogs.
Now this is probably about the most fucked up blog I will ever write because I’m actually going to say what I’m worried about. I blame the fact that I’m sitting between two meds right now and hence seem to have strange effect on me.
Well I’m scared. And not just kinda scared. I’m so scared that I just want to curl up in bed and cry and have my mommy come tell me it will be ok. You know why? Probably not because its just plain silly but I’m going to say it anyway. I’m scared I will turn back into the old me. I hated me. Pretty much I guess you can say I still do in a way. I was a horrible person who thought of no one but myself. I’m sure I have hurt many people before I started on medication and once I realized all the horrible things I was doing I swore I’d never go back.
But lately I find myself wanting to have people ask me more about my day. I find myself wanting to answer truthfully. This is really puzzleing me because that’s not the type of person I am. Rachie on medication is happy. Thats all there is to it.
I’m starting to worry myself. I want to know what people would think if I wasn’t there. I don’t want to die nor have I ever had REAL suicidal thoughts. But I still wonder. How much do people care? I mean its not like any one on here or elsewhere knows me all that well in truth. Sure my behaviour is predictable but no one knows WHY I do what I do etc etc. Except me of course and I’ll never tell. Is just so silly!
Its very odd. I feel like theres something broken in be and I’m useing medication to fix it. But I just don’t have the time to sit and let my body cooperate with the medication to do its job and fix properly. I really don’t want to disintegrate into a litle ball of misery. I don’t want to go back home and put pressure on my parents. I want to be independent. I Want to finish my degree. I want to do my PhD. I WANT many personal things to be fixed. Why is there something broken in me anyway? I mean, I’ve never really had bad experiences or anything. Nothing is makeing sense anymore.
I don’t know. I guess I’m a mess and just can’t tell. When I read over this it really does seem that I’m trying to put my problems on anyone who reads this. I Mean i know all my friends on here will read it and then tell me they love me and that I’m awesome etc etc. But I don’t WANT to cause them trouble. I just want to be fixed I guess. I shouldn’t have to be broken… Nothing ever broke me! I don’t understand. I’m confused. I want to sleep. But like for years again. I figure I am slipping back into another of my episodes; which isn’t good seeing as it’s the end of the term and hence exams and papers are due. But oh well I’m sure I’ll cope; I always do.
Lots of Love Guys. I’m really not trying to make anyone worry.