I have had trouble keeping friendships and just having people in my life. Everyone seems to have faded from me. What I mean by faded is that it feels like you become forgotten. Unless I try to keep up with them, they won’t go out of their way to talk to me. Why it is one of the most important things to me, is that it is your value in their life. But after a bit, the flame goes out.

I’ve also tried making friends online, for me it has helped a little before, but now it has become a painful memory. There were people who left me because of something I don’t know what I did. They just left. There wasn’t really anything. I know how to contact them (online) but I also feel like I’m painted a villain. So no matter what I do, no matter what I say, they won’t talk to me. I am someone who tries to get to know you. I want to bond with people. But when those bonds are ripped from you, it’s like wires and cables that are taped and you rip it off all at once. So I have accepted the fact that they are no longer a part of my life.

The problem with all this is, I remember stuff from our friendship. I remember things they like. I remember the things they talk about. Sometimes it’s similar things we like. Then one day something pops up in my head going “They’d probably like this game,” then there is a sadness within me knowing that door is shut. When you don’t really have anybody close to you anymore and you have people at arms length, there is just a sudden sadness that there isn’t a whole lot of love.

You just kind of tell yourself: “I am here, and I exist.”