Today i lost one more battle. I got sucked in depression and suicidal thought again. Out of the sudden, out of the blue. Its not like something real bad happened i just slided down like when drowning. Frustration, lonelyness, sadness and failure filled my soul, mind and enormous body. I looked at some suicide videos, gore videos on how people kill others and just watch the person who is dying. How cani do this? am i a bad person? Soetimes i think about how it would feel like to die or to kill. Im disturbed today? Whats wrong with me?
I didnt go to college today which is probably going to bring me in trouble. I wont say nothing about my depression its my own fault. Im the reason im like this. I look back and see how my life went so far and the only person who i can blame is myself. Im a failure i did this to myself and this is why im lonely today. No friends, no boyfriend nobody who wants to be near me. This is why, who wants to be near a person who do all these stuff? Why do i look at these stuff? Why is death so atractive to me when at the same time im very very afraid of it? Fear is the reason why im still alive and yet not living my life. Whats wrong with me?
Sometimes when comming home and picking the train to my citywhile having panic attacks i wonder how would it feel like to be stuck under the trains. I saw some pictures and videos of people commiting suicide like that and even one time it happened when i was in a train. Does it hurt? Or do you just die inmediately? What happens when we die? What happens afterwards? Will you find peace finally when you die? Does heaven and hell excist? Is there a God?If there is a god and hell im sure he/she will send me to hell for having these thoughts.
Please i dont want to make nobody feel bad or help other people ‘s depression. If soebody reads my blogs im always trying to stay positive. So far for the lvst 2 months ive been handling the war pretty good. It goes with ups and downs and this is just the bottom line in 2 months. Im not going to commit suicide, i know i cant i wont do it! argbut im so frustrated why ami like this? Why do i feel the need of whatching these things? WHy do i have these thoughs? Maybe i was really a mistake and my mom should have got that abortion? What if someday i black out and kill myself or others? Geez what is wrong with me???
When i look at all those serial killers and people who just go crazy and shoot people and then themselfs i think how can you do this to innocent people. But at the same time i can understand them. I know lots of people are going to hate me after reading this blog, but please dont ! I dont want to hurt people neither i want people to hate me. Maybe im a bad person for thinking like this but i cant help it. Sometimes i wonder if its part of my depression. Is my depression part of my personality? If so does it mean im bad?
My life is a mess. Im caught in a everlasting battle, its a vicous circle. Maybe i can win this war but if im going to hurt people bu hurting myself then is it best to stop existing? I was doing pretty okay why so suddenly im down under again? Ive been drinking my meds, ive been going out everyday and it even got a bit easier. I started to not care of what others think about how i look like. I look like this and i cant change it in one day. Its yf ault i know but its not easy. Can somebody please take the time to understand me? Can somebody please understand my tears instead of say aww shes crying shes so young you have a future in front of you. I dont cry because i want people to pitty me. Everytime im out i try to hold on my tears because i hate when others se me cry, it makes me feel more weak in front of others. But sometimes it just come out. I wish somebody would come and talk to me and try to understand why im like this instead of pitty me or thinking that im plain weak. Im not lazy! Neither i use my depression as an excuse for my failure. Do people think i like depression? Im sure some people onhere knows what it feels like. Many times i tried to makeother laugh, be positive try to help others. I dont do this to get something back. By helping others you help urself. I feel naturaly better when i help others with no conditions. But sometimes i cant help but wonder apart from therapist and counselours maybe some teachers who in my study carreer tried to helped me go through this,did they do this just because its their job? Would they help me if it wasnt their job? Im thankfull for all the people who in some point tried to help me. But then i think about this next question, am i worthy? Look at me going up and down, thinking bad things, looking at bad stuff? If there is a spirit world can these people who diedlook or sence that im looking at their death tapes? anybody had these thoughts before? Do you think im delusional?
I was going through hyves, myspace, hi5 etc. Those kind of sites and i saw all the people i went to school with many years ago. They are beautifull! They look happy! The are living their life and pushing through the bad times. Making new friends, staying through their themself and learning from their mistakes. Im so jealous. I dont hate them.. Im glad for them but i cant help to be jealous. Im sorry for being me.
I wish i could turn back time. I wish i could change myself with just one click. I wish i could make these bad thoughts go away. I promise i will push through and not commit suicide or kill nobody. Im not a bad person i promise! I dont know what these thoughts are doing these and why i even look at these videos. Maybe im just curious about the after life adn what happens when people die. I never fantasise about killing people I just watch some shocking videos. My sister asked me if im right int he head for watching these stuff. Sometimes when i walk on the street at night i wonder if somebody is going to kill me. Or sometimes i put on my headphones nd play the fool while crossing the street. Im crazy and totally weird. I dont want to die without achieving someting. I dont want to die with this feeling. I want to be able to do someting good for people and make others happy I want people to know who i am and maybe say hey this girl pushed through this all and look where she is. I want to be a role modeland i want people to look at me without being scared. I want people to know im here. I want to make a difference in my life and in others life. I dont want to live in vain.I wnt people to remember me even after 50 years after my death.
But how can i do this when im like this. It feels like im a bad person. Please forgive me for this i had to let this out of my chest.I wont give up yet. This is one lost battle but not the end of the war. Im going to try to get over this, please somebody help me. Wish me luck.