Yesterday I could have very well had a huge anxiety attack again, but didn’t because the second I started feeling anxious I took two Lorazepams.
Today is quite a different story.
I’ve talked about my job on here before, how it is a stressful job and you don’t get much credit for the work you do, and the work you fail to do correctly in the eyes of the coordinators is considered shit and made known to you as soon as possible.
Today I am happy to announce that I got somewhat of a promotion. In two weeks I will be working in the financial part of our office, with a girl close to my age who is very kind and also has anxiety issues. I can talk to her, so communicating will obviously not be a big deal, which right now, it is, considering I am expected to openly communicate (of my own accord) with the same people who cheerily greet me then proceed to go to those above me to complain about what a horrible worker I am. And the work will be different, more straightforward work with understood deadlines that I will be able to grasp. And well, it should be better in every way. Except I get no pay increase but I am thankful for the move.
The meeting should have been a happy one, I should have been raring to go and celebrate the moment I leave work this evening, but that was the case of the matter in some other separate plane, perhaps another linear universe, but not this one.
Basically, I was given the job but the concern was expressed from the director that I do not seem energetic or excited, or seem to enjoy my current job. As I decided to be honest and say well of course I don’t get excited to do my job now because of the constant criticism, she decided she too would continue the conversation instead of letting it stop there with a congratulations. She went on to say that maybe the coordinators wouldn’t seem so tough if I got things done in a timely manner, and since I didn’t get things done in a timely manner then of course they can be stressed. She mentioned something that took three weeks to complete, and I told her I was unaware of anything taking three weeks to complete. Unless they are talking about a certain travel reimbursement that I received right before Christmas break, so was obviously gone for 2 weeks, and completed it later in the first week we were back, which I guess would be totaling three. She said she knew I was aware of the problems because she was aware of the various meetings I have had about different things, always concerning two particular coordinators.
Throughout this conversation the panic introduced itself and I of course had an anxiety attack, one where you struggle for breath and can’t seem to look anyone in the eyes. In that moment you want to slowly disappear. Sink back into your chair that really isn’t a chair but is a doorway to a different dimension where you don’t have to worry so much about anything and all anxiety is simply a foreign concept. But then, instantaneously you are brought back to exactly where you were a milli-second ago, and are still gasping for breath, realizing that this is actually happening, you are actually making a fool out of yourself for feeling angry, embarrassed, frustrated, and picked on basically. My take on it was, if everything I do is wrong or late, then why be excited to try? She said I needed to communicate with them, and I said they could also give me a deadline for work to get done. She said well communication is a two way street… which basically meant it’s a ONE way street and I’m the one expected to find out when each thing needs to be complete. Okay, great, just as I thought. Through the tears and the gasps for consistent air I explained that nothing I did was ever good enough, so there was no will, and then mentioned that I did have a doctor’s note explaining why I have certain problems in communicating with people. Which she said to bring in hopes that it had some advice on there for her to be able to “help accommodate me” and my anxiety.
Maybe it is just me but I can’t simply go in and ask someone a question about a deadline when they have just gone to a supervisor to complain about how slow I am apparently, all the while talking to me as if nothing is really that wrong at the moment. Call me deficient, I just can’t be fake. And I told her that, too. She said, well this job is just really stressful. I told her that I had worked in stressful situations before, but had yet to meet people so…. And as I grabbed the empty air for the right word I tried a few others… hateful… rude….not necessarily unsympathetic but definitely uncaring. At this point it was clear to me that my concerns being spoken didn’t really matter, and I was probably taking up more of her time that she originally planned. I guess she wanted to bring me in, say, hey guess what you get this job, but I basically know you suck so maybe you won’t suck so bad in this position.
Later on of course she said I should really evaluate if I can be in stressful situations like this one, especially considering my health, and I said yes, and she said no, I really mean that. And I said I know, I really meant yes.
It was hard to communicate, and the whole meeting sucked. I am less upset now after crying in a bathroom stall for a while, and once I could breath and look at people again without totally tearing up for another round of Anxiety-At-Work, (it should be a game show), I came back out, took two Lorazepams (.5mgs, which I really need larger ones and am hoping to get my doctor to give me 1mg pills since I have to take two to deal with any kind of anxiety), shut down any internet browser that wasn’t “WORK APPROVED” (because in the meeting she mentioned I was on the internet too much (from complaints of the coordinators no doubt) and suggested if I had to get on facebook or check something personal I should excuse myself and go to the computer in the students room. First of all, this does offend me, because everyone here does personal things on their computer. Whether its printing out recipes, ordering prescription refills online, or getting loud annoying cell phone calls… it obviously doesn’t add up to my time spent. But now, after taking the Lorazepam, my mind of course isn’t as sharp and it suffices me to say I can sit here and stare at a screen, even if it’s blank, for who knows how long and still not get something done. So, just because I am easily distracted from and not motivated to do work that is always criticized (unless it is done right, but then no one really ever says anything..) must mean I am the worst employee here by far. I came out simply fearing for my job, even after mentioning I wasn’t the only assistant that feels this way… which was pretty much, safe to say, ignored. Now, Like I said, I am calm, excited for my new transfer of duties within two weeks, and can’t wait for it to happen.
But for now, here is the recap of the second major panic attack I have had in five days, not counting the one that was successfully avoided with medication.
