it\'ll be one month tomorrow that my boyfriend died. I now have to call him that… my boyfriend. I never got to say it before… I wasn\'t ready to… and now anytime I talk about him, he \'was my boyfriend\'… It sucks.
it\'s still hard dealing.
I found his mom and sister, and the two friends he was in contact with recently. They sent me his motorcycle leather jacket. I hung it on my bed post. I also found his cats in Austin, and have had them delivered to Minnesota. They are living with my younger sister and her boyfriend… that is where they will stay. I meant to keep them myself, but it\'s so hard. They were part of a package that no longer exists… and no matter how much I want to be able to care for them… I\'m not very good with the two animals I have right now… I can\'t give three cats and a bird the attention they need… they would\'ve been fine with two of us… but just me alone is so very overwhelming. I honestly never saw myself with animals/pets let alone 4 total. I feel guilty that I can\'t do more than what I have… and although I saved them from the shelters in austin… I wish I could make them mine… I just cant.
I feel so much… I try to hold on to the emotions until I\'m alone… it\'s difficult. I know that I shouldn\'t bottle it up, but it\'s horrible to talk about it with people who didn\'t know him. My family hadn\'t met him. Two weekend ago he was supposed to be here in Minnesota. That was a rough weekend.
I just… wish I had people to talk to. People who understood what I was going through. People in my life and family try, but they feel sad and look at me like I\'m to be pitied… I know that isn\'t completley true, but it\'s how I feel when I bring Charles up… even when I just smile and try to tell them something Charles did I still get these looks… I hate it.
Just an update I guess. I\'m lonely… every time I turn around I want to talk to him… text him… email him… and he isn\'t there. I see all of these things about Austin and Tx now… and he isn\'t there.
His memorial is on 9/11, the same day as family weddings… I can\'t go. It\'s in Jamestown, NY, and I plan to send flowers, a picture, and something to be read at the mass… and although I know it\'s best for me not to go… i also know I feel left out not being there. I didn\'t know his family or friends that will be there… and the whole thing is so daunting to even consider… I want to go, but I don\'t want to… all of those strangers and I would have to go alone. I\'m not going. I will mourn and celebrate on the 11th in my own way. I will send the flowers and picture and reading… and I will do my own memorial that morning or the day before.
meh… I\'m so sad. I hate posting this stuff, but this is the only site I feel comfortable doing so. Even if no one reads it… it\'s out there.
the biggest problems with going… I would be going by myself. The first and only trips I\'ve ever taken were to Texas to see Charles. It was something I forced myself to do because I felt like I hit a wall. Going to New York alone… really scares the beejeezus out of me.
I\'ve found the airport closest to Jamestown is still over an hour and a half away. Driving in a different city… is scary. when I went to Austin it was a short 5 minutes drive from the airport to his house… I had him in the car 98% of the time I was there… This just is overwhelming… I don\'t even take hour car rides by myself here in Minnesota because I get nervous and stressed out. I drove just under two hours with my sister on the last \'road\' trip we took… I just don\'t know…
Meeting his family… that\'s crazy in itself. It was supposed to be time before I had to meet them… and as it was, the only way I would\'ve met his family is if he allowed me to. They weren\'t on speaking terms when he died. He hadn\'t been in contact with any of his family in years. They didn\'t even know where he lived in Austin from what they tell me now. To go meet them is scary. I don\'t know why he cut them off… but for now I need to be in contact with anyone who can tell me what has happened with his belongings… or about the memorial. It\'s just… crazy. I had future hopes that if Charles and I got so serious that he moved here… which he was in the process of looking in to… that we would get back in touch with both his mom and sister, as well as his kids. I\'m very family orientated… even if it was just so we could all send christmas cards… I wanted him to know that things were different where I came from and how I grew up.
I\'m just scared. I talked myself out of going… and then I sit here and look up all of the information to make a real decision and I just don\'t know if I can. I don\'t know what to do. To go and not know anyone… to be told I would have to speak at mass… I just don\'t know.