I'm starting to believe I have too many Angels in my life.
I'm starting to feel a little ashamed. But more so relieved. I can feel myself gradually breaking away from you, and finally moving on (as hard as that may be) I don't know. I never wanted it to be this way, but I must accept the fact that I wasn't making you happy, and that it was possible I never could. I had to accept, no, literally swallow, the possibility that it was never our destiny to be together. I mean, can you imagine how hard it is, when your family members remember so much about you? They constantly remind me of you. "How is -she- doing?" or "Are you guys still talking?" or "That's a shame… I was so sure you -guys- would last forever."
I held back tears for a while now. And bite my tongue as hard as I could to keep from from wailing and bursting out with rage.
But alls failed because I managed to do just that anyways. I've loathed you since that day. And I don't think I could ever forgive myself from preventing it from getting any worse. Why did I remain silent that day? I guess I was attempting one of these counter attacks: You don't want me!? Fine! have it your way!! I can see now the flaw in that plan. Regrettably there is no way to undo the past. And there were many chances to change the outcome. But I just couldn't get my feet off the ground. And to this day, I never could understand why I was so reluctant to at least try… maybe, just a little harder.
Things happen for a reason I guess. And I have seemed to have caused a considerable amount of damage. Where am I now? The aftermath: Standing in the middle of ground zero, wondering why I am alone. Because I was so blinded by my own selfish needs, that I regretted to bend more to your whim then my own. So there I am… Scratching my head, and accusing you for my confusion.
I have believed for a while now, that [if you're with me] you just don't walk away from a relationship. You limp, or die. I believe that a relationship lasts until the other passes. To me, there is no such thing as "I'm starting to change, and I've decided to go in another direction with this. Sorry, it just isn't working out…" My reply to that would be, "So?"
"Well, I just don't see where this is going. And frankly I can't put up with it anymore." You might say
And I would reply, "Okay…. I don't understand."
Then you would proceed to rephrasing it a hundred different times and my answer or response will still be "So!?"
Like I said before, you don't just walk away from a relationship! At least that's how I see it. You love for love, or you just don't fucking love at all!
So when that is all said and done, and you try your hardest to push me away, I will eventually get the hint, and move the fuck on. But, I don't care much for mind games. And I hate for my heart to be tied to a string, dangling promises that would soon not be kept.
You promise this Bull love, you better be able to give it. And to keep it forever!
Giving up on me, merely states that you are weak. And I'd hate from my dominant counter part to believe that. I have looked up to you, worshiped you, and respected you. Yes, I have not always been the stablest or understandable type, but I can assure you that I have a lot of other redeeming qualities. Why that has not surpassed you, is beyond me.
Now this bull seems to have found another lap to perch it's tired head. It's broken heart needs mending. And yes, I may be selfish to look to others to piece together my broken heart. But atleast I am not afraid to admit I have wronged. I'm not afraid to admit defeat. Sometimes I get tired of playing the tough guy. Sometimes I prefer to be babied and spoiled. I can't help that. And I certainly can't help that you can't provide it.
Maybe it wasn't me that fucked up so much. Maybe it is you who assures yourself that you've done nothing wrong. Who knows? Maybe I am being too harsh, and wanting to believe that you aren't as angelic as you seem. But then I think: When have you ever proven otherwise? You have always been the grace of God in my eyes. And you can do no wrong… That much is true.
But even Angels break hearts.
And I can't really tell who broke whos first.
But… If I was the first to break your heart, then I will be the last. Because, there are Angels out there for you too Brittany. I hope one day I can be one.
Or, Maybe on day, you will find better.
You just better hope they're stronger than me.
this can also be seen on my deviantart: