my stomach feels twisted and sick with anxieties. I need to vent!! so here goes:
ok so i've been in a relationship with Matt for 11 weeks. and already i'm doubting my decision, doubting myself. i feel like i'm starting to waver under the pressure. he wants to see me so often, i'm the sort of person who likes just to be alone somedays and he doesn't get that. i've cancelled my plans for 2moro night coz he made me feel guilty as i've not seen him in a week.
I've told him self harm is a thing of the past, but honnestly i've still been cutting. i feel awful lying to him and hiding when he gets too close.Last week i knew it would be my opportunity to hurt myself so i grasped it! i cut all across my tummy and waist with a razor blade, my doctor saw it and i hadn't thought realisticly about how matt might react. Obviously i've not said anything to him, and now i'm really panicking about seeing him 2moro! We've been apart for 7 days..he's going to want more than a hug..and i can't say no.. 🙁 .
i feel like i'm being unfaithful, i hate keeping secrets like this. my ex dumped me because of my self harm so that was a huge confidence knock. i'm worried matt will do the same..but i would deserve it. sometimes i want to end the relationship just so i can go off and cut myself as much as i want! 🙂 i think i would be happier that way.
but some aspects of the relationship i enjoy, i like the way he lets me see my friends still, and he treats me occasionally.
I've been getting alot of slack off my brother and mum recently about my previous relationships and insecurities. it made me feel awful..such a slag.
i was with stuart for 3 years, i felt totally crushed. so then i went on abit of a rebound and had a few short term relationships within a few months and things got twisted/complicated. I felt nervous, but ok about the variety, i wanted to be open with my mum so i told her i was seeing these guys. then i met up with matt thinking it would only be a fling, but he's stuck around?!! totally unexpected. my brother has been saying, "oh naomi you've been getting around about eh ;)" i felt myself firing up with anger, even my mother joined in jeering! i overheard her talking to my hairdresser downstairs about me being with "another new man" and my mum muttered yeahhh again, he seems alright. the words "new man" "again" stuck in my head.. i hate what i've become!!!!!!
i'm sorry. i really can't help thinking the world would be a better place without me, what good am i for it? i just mess things up!
i feel so heartless saying this, ironicly i can feel my heart racing through my coat. is my heart really that cold?! i feel like such a sick twisted bitch! I don't think i will ever be able to be truely happy in a relationship, i want to work, and live in my flat – that is all. I can't help thinking i've become this way now coz of my trauma at college.. i don't hate many people but i do hate him, and i hate him for making me hate myself. cheap. worthless, cold, pathetic!!! argggggh!!