so i just got back from a dinner with the family. the end to a long day. i worked 9 hours for my sister because one of her teachers hurt herself yesterday. i dont mind doing just about anything for my sister. i also get paid for it so that helps with my current financial situation. its odd cause today its like i fell into my niche. i taught those kids and entertained them with so much ease my sister, all the workers and most of the parents were amazed. it seems i am good at daycare/childcare. but i dont think i feel the level of desire i should to seek out a profession in that field. i am even very well in handling special needs children.the same goes with cooking. i am pretty dam good around a kitchen. i can cook just about anything blindly. and what i cant cook right away i can learn with efficent speed and accuracy. but once again i lack the desire i feel appropriate to seek that career also. it bothers me alot.

is it my depression that keeps me from 2 different profession fields or is it the fact that i havent found what i was meant to do. i also have a creative mind or so i am told. i have written 20 or so poems that seem to be worthy of plublishing, 2 movie scripts, a few short stories and even a few video game concepts…. but once again i lack that drive to see it through. im not sure what i am suppost to do. i can barely look into the future and try to see myself somewhere. its like i dont exist there. like before to long i will just sease to exist. i have felt this way for awhile now. it went from not caring or ever worrying about that kinda thing when i was young. to coming at an age when that kinda stuff is revealed and i find myself searching for my path in life.

i feel that i have no sort of real quality or worth to offer anyone in any aspect but in my confused and muddled head i know that all these things i have done and can do is for a reason. i just dont know what that reason is and i feel that im wasting my life waiting for a sign or a big break. i have been told almost all my life that i will become a great father and husband and that has yet to even show signs of starting. odd that i had 2 married women confess feelings for me and i turned away from them as to not be a marriage wrecker. later to want to get in contact with one of them but now cant get ahold of them. was that my chance that i passed up? or was it the right thing to do? i guess i will never know.

this is just the public ramblings of a simplistically complex guy who lost