01-27-2012

10:25pm

Just woke up. Can't stop crying. 1 more day of work and I can relax for at least a day. I can't do this anymore. After work today I went to my doctors office/clinic because I can't take it anymore. Saw a new doctor who's first few words were “you can take celexa. It's the same as lexapro”. They're not the same. I said that. He asks “so you are telling me, a doctor that I am wrong?”. “yes” I say calmly but the damage to his ego was already done. He's already pissed at me, so I decide to leave. He's already lied to me. If lexapro or celexa were the same they would not go by two different names. One is not a genetic of the other. Granted they are similar, but the same…no.

Four months ago I went to my doctors saying shit's gonna hit the fan soon. I recognized what was happening, sought help at a facility for mental illness and have yet to have anyone on my side. I am not allowed to question or disagree anything I am told. I have no say in my recovery-i just have to shut up and go along with whatever they say. And when I don't I am classified as resisting treatment and difficult.

So I went home feeling worse then when I went there, so I slept. If all I can do is wait then I’ll just sleep til I feel better. But I hate sleeping. I can't sleep anymore. I wake up once an hour in such a huge state of panic that half the time I am hysterically crying when I awake. This is how I start my day, everyday

01-28-1012

1:35 am. Still crying. Talked to two friends tonight but i'm too anxious to listen. My best riend lives 10 hours away. She suggested calling my local Assembly Person. I feel like I need a lawyer present when I go to the psychiatrist.

When io first started having panic attacks in college I went to a psychiatrist. He prescribed me xanax and I kept feeling worse. I would go to the ER to get shots of Ativan. I told my doctor I was addicted and was unhappy about it. He said he'd prescribe me another xanax a day. I got furious and started calling him a drug dealer. He pressed his magic button, told some men in white suits I tried to hit him. They jumped me and brought me upstairs to the psych unit…based on a lie…a lie that everyone believed because of my label.

Worst part was it was on Halloween in 2000…3 days away from Election Day! So I broke out to vote. Luckily I was upstate NY and they're was very little security.

As ridiculous and geeky as this makes me sound the main point is is that because I allowed my doctor to close the door, nobody saw that I didn't hit him, thereby concluding that the doctor was telling the truth.

Have been lied to too many times. I have been sexual intercoursed in a bad way (f*cked)) too many times by these people and yet I do have something wrong with my brain so I do need drugs and I do attempt the therapy thing. I have been therapeutically accused of having self fulfilling prophecies by the same people that are always ranting about doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. And that's the definition of irony I suppose.

That “psychiatrist” upstate, as it turned out, was giving me more than the highest dosage recommended and because I weigh less then 400 lbs, a doctor down here reported him to the Dept of Health.

The best way to determine the future is the past and if the past 8 doctors lied to me is it wrong to expect that from the 9th? I feel like I need a lawyer to speak on my behalf and if I had known I was going to go I would have brought my camera. I decided to record my visits-don't have a recorder so my camera will do. I have to be clandestine because this is not allowed but it is the only way I will feel like I am not being lied to or treated unfairly…and if I am-it's recorded.

I cant think anymore….that's it

2 Comments
  1. frolic30 9 years ago

    Hi there – I\'m sorry you\'re feeling so low right now.. It sounds like things are spinning around your head and I totally get how crappy it feels. I hope you feel like you\'ve got support here, despite how hard it\'s been with the others who were supposed to be helping. You deserve to be cared for, respectfully listened to and your opinion considered. It\'s horrible that you\'ve had such bad experiences with the people that are meant to be supporting you to feel better!

    One thing that I have to mention is this: The future is NOT determined by the past. Absolutely not. The future can be anything you want it to be. Really. It takes perseverance and lots of support though.. I\'ve been there, and back, a few times to know that it\'s mostly my own thoughts & beliefs that provide opportunities or roadblocks in my life. And overall, it is scary as HELL to risk believing in myself or the future, especially when life has hurt so many times before.

    Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I\'m here for you. I\'m glad you\'re here and hope you continue to blog. And my fingers are crossed that today brings you some well deserved peace and some smiles. Take care Bonobo 🙂

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  2. bonobo77 9 years ago

    Thank you so much! After three phone calls and being hung up on once by the receptionist i brought my mother to the doctor. my mother works in the medical field (with eyeballs) and KNOWS what patient abandonment is and she also knows that a mental health clinic must take emergencies. my doctor saw me today and gave me what i wanted.
    I\'m sorry Red, that you have to work out your anxiety without cheating (drugs. in the big picture it\'s probably an awesome thing, but i understand wanting to just just get a brake. sometimes i watch Intervention and am somewhat jealous of the \”quick fix\”-seems so relaxing…but that\'s terrible. i can just relate to that desire. and they must feel 100 times worse than we do.
    And Frolic, i do feel like i have support here…it\'s kinda weird. i wrote a blog and people read it and commented on it. weird! this place seems pretty cool actually! i am lucky enough to have several unlucky friends with some sort of mental illness so i know some understand. some friends and family just don\'t get it, but the most annoying and lovable of them all are the ones that think i\'m to smart and creative to let this hold me back.
    last night i was talking to my most favorite friend in the world and she actually told me that she\'s insulted that i would allow one of our friends (me) to feel this sad. it was the most brilliantly fucked up and nicest things anyone\'s\' ever said.
    and i know the past doesn\'t always predict the future, but i\'ve always believed that a lot of peoples\' anger and sadness comes from expecting too much. It seems foolish for me to not expect to be lied to or treated like a person with cancer or vitiligo…also i\'m a new yorker. we are a very untrusting people. i hate being let down and angered by this place i go to, and all i have to do is stop expecting anything.
    on the plus side me turning my camera on to video it worked out fabulously. i only had it on in the waiting room, but you can hear everything so clearly and you can even read the writing on a book that was in my bag…surprisingly clear picture…with that i have some kind of mental assurance that if i am lied to i can prove it and people will believe me…my therapist said i can\'t do that, but i don\'t know if he really meant \”shouldn\'t\”. Clearly the waiting room recording is unethical and has been erased, but i am happy about that.
    anyway, sorry for ranting. and thanks for reading.
    Peace and Love!

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