Hi. Just thought I'd warn you I can kind of lose myself with this kind of thing and go on forever..

I'm 19, and I've been out of school for a year and a half now. I've been obese as long as I can remember. When I was in 7th-8th grade, I weighed ~240lbs. Now I weigh around 290-300lbs (dont have a scale, too self conscious to buy one/ask someone to buy one). I have SHIT self esteem, I'm INCREDIBLY self conscious, at times I feel like being a loner, but 90% of the time I don't and feel shitty when I'm alone. I dont have any confidence or pure willpower to do anything. I currently do not attend college and have NO college plans, which gives my father that disappointed look in his eye/sound in his voice. But I'll get into that in a different blog (probably going to do it after I'm done with this one, actually).
There are probably more than a handful of people that would call me their friend, but I dont use that term lightly. I call my close group of friends my friends, and everyone else are acquaintances. Why call them a friend if they arent? Even if I count the people I've hung out with OUTSIDE of a work environment in the last 4 months I'd have 4 acquaintances. I spend day in and day out on my computer playing games and watching tv or movies because I have no friends. The people closest to being called my "friends" not only do things together without me, but they OPENLY TALK ABOUT IT AND ARRANGE IT IN FRONT OF ME! I'm not the kind of person who would invite myself to something I'm not invited to, so I drop subtle hints every so often, all for naught.
That group USED to be my acquaintances, before I got a job with them. Now the group that used to hold that spot is pretty much dead in my mind. The 2 I was closest to moved and haven't kept in touch (I tried/failed), the other one calls/texts me once or twice a month or two with shitty last minute plans he knows I wont care about because I've told him before. Apparently getting more than 30 minutes notice on plans is impossible.
I think ~8 years of that bull is enough for me to start becoming a loner amirite?
1 Comment
  1. aloneforevernew 9 years ago

    this is funny, i really like this blog. You'll find your friends where you want to be. If you make yourself be on the places you want to the most you'll find the best friends there, you still have to search for them among the others though. You probably won't know who it is straight away and there will always be rubbish people. Try pushing yourself to do the things you want to do more. I'm in that loner phase now and too embarrassed to go all these places by myself that ive been wanting to go/ do for years.

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