Cant kick the intestinal flare up. Chronic pain steady in my gut for over a month now. Im getting weak, and its very hard to eat. I hurt. My digestive health is below poor.

I have dealt for 21 years with chronic disease, and it still never ceases to piss me off, and it turned from physical chronic pain to mental chronic pain disorder ages ago….

My friend gave me a giant tiger balm patch i now have stuck to my lower abdomen,,, what a relief, it feels so cool! But its no cure, the pain is slightly deadened.  Although this analgesic doesnt absorb from the skin into my guts (i wish) The sensation is nice, and i havent had a crippling pain so far today, just constant dull pain, like a 3 yr old repeatedly asking you to buy them things….annoying.

I feel alright in my head today.  Last night i dosed some MDA while I was in pain…I need euphoria. those of you without a condition that disables you i envy oh so much, you are all blessed, but i must turn to street drugs because my doc wont rx me oxycontin anymore….I will be getting surgery within the next 2 years, I am just trying to plan it right and hopefully get my SSDI granted to me before they cut me open and remove several sections of destroyed small intestine from me and reconnect it where its lookin good….

I have done all I can for so many years to avoid, procrastinate this surgery, its so major, but i need to do something to live pain free. I want to eat without stressing out about how much I will be in pain within just a few minutes of swallowing.  rant and rant,

I have reconnected with an old flame that never caught fire, a female friend from 6 yrs ago i lost touch with when she moved away from college. We have been hanging out via skype because she is doing an internship in Mexico, and it came out that we both are crushing on each other…..its so amazing to feel desired by someone I am interested in, this is very rare, very comfortable since we already have a history of friendship and know eachothers personalities well and our chemistry is scientifically down to an equation….I have no expectations but am hopeful to kiss her when she finally comes home to Portland late this August….its just been nice to have newness with a great girl.,,,havent felt this way in a long time……either way hook up or just friends she is too radical to dismiss if it doesnt work out romantically, aka i just cant be immature and whiney about rejection. everyone has their own emotions and who is to say whose emotions are more important? Its just immature behaviour to be sucked up about a great girl not wanting to bump uglies with you. People are people,  I have been on the opposite side of this spectrum a couple times. everybody grow up right meow.


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