I somtimes feel better due to my meds, but I think that there is some deep down garbage inside me that really needs to thrown out.  I'm a jerk at my job, and although I'm mature enough to realize it, I can't stop myself sometimes.

My OCD really focuses around my fear of other people and their germs.  I work in a job that frustrates the piss out of me.  I'll hopefully get a new one soon,  as its really not healthy for me mentally to stay in an occupation where I can't escape my problems.  I have no fears or anxiety about dirty greasy type things, just public germs.  Meaning my OCD is very specific to the point that it isn't disabling, yet troublesome enough to not want to leave my house.

I think that I'd be best off being a farmer or factory worker or something where I could just keep to myself.  Clock in, work, and clock out.  My job now completely revolves around people, and I am not doing a great job – okay, but not great.  And that alone drives me to not want to continue.  I don't like myself being a person who goes to work just because its a job, and not because it is what they want to do with their life.

I desperately want a new job, but unfortunately, I am over qualified for such an occupation.  I send resumes out for jobs only to find that my college degree and age keep employers from wanting me.  It seems that factory workers are best young and untrained so that the employer can mold their work force into what they really want.  I don't blame them as I would do the same for my employees.  I'd never hire someone that I didn't think would be in it for the long haul of a career.

My current employment is easy and secure.  Although that is something I am pleased with, I can't help but wonder how much happier I would be without the stress of my OCD issues turning me into an unhappy employee.  With unhappy employees, its only a matter of time before they become complacent and easily replaceable.  I don't want that to happen to me.  The world is filled with people who don't give a crap, and I don't like those people and don't want to become one.

Anyway, I am searching and hoping for a new future.  My OCD has gotten me in a state where I'm spending more time getting away from my duties than actually working.  Hopefully soon, I can get something going where I can start focusing on becoming a better person and stop focusing on my problems.


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