If i could stick to it–which would mean my pc would cooperate and not erase things, so i can keep typing and posting blogs–maybe this would be another aspect of my therapy…..  Gonna try this, one more time.

Sometimes, especially lately, i can\’t help but feel overwhelmed with frustration.  Sometimes, i know it\’s something that continues to build inside me, until it blows.  *sigh  And, i know this is not a good thing.  i wish i could find a comfort zone–some way to express myself, without blowing my top, or offending someone else.  i can\’t keep holding back, either.  i feel like when i do, i\’m doing more harm, in the grand scheme of things.  So, what do i do?  Do i just continue to sit here, day after day, pressing keys and hoping i\’m getting it all out?  Should i keep going like i\’ve been going, between regular sessions, and the occasional call between sessions, when i\’m really struggling?  i know i\’m basically still working on myself–trying to piece together things that might\’ve happened, from my early childhood, that\’ve left lasting impressions–as well as trying to get and feel better, as a person.  i don\’t know, sometimes, if what i\’m doing is helping or hurting me, but all i can say is i\’m trying….. 

*****WARNING***** Content might get a bit offensive or/and graphic, in nature, as to the overall subject matter!!!  i\’m not trying to offend or hurt anyone–i just need to get it out of me, somehow.  Please, bear with me.                  

No amount of reasoning or compassion will make the memories go away, nor the pain subside.  It is what it is, after all:  murder—*sigh  The first time, it happened because of fear–what my (ex) husband or/and his parents might do to me; as well as if/how i would be able to care for another baby, at the time.  i guess it didn\’t help matters any, when i had the miscarriage a few months, afterward.  But, it happened, nonetheless.  After the accident happened and i wound up with the blood clot, i was put on blood thinners, for obvious reasons.  We were advised how dangerous a pregnancy would be.  It just didn\’t matter to my (ex) husband about what the doctors said, regarding SAFE sex.  No amount of pleading with or rationalizing would make any difference–he was gonna do what HE wanted to do.  And, since i still wasn\’t \’me,\’ yet–still dealing with being a lil slow, at times, and not ready to fight for myself, really–they forced me into the second one.  The images that\’re plastered in my head…. i just chalk it up to:  i deserve it.  You see, i was once–as a young adult, before i got pregnant with my daughter–a pro-lifer and determined to help in the cause.  *sigh  i\’ve also learned—trial and error? life experiences? common sense? whatever the rationalization might be—that IF it wasn\’t \”available with actual medical assistance,\” other ways can always come into play, unfortunately.  This is something that\’s weighed heavily on me, lately, especially with all this political mumbo-jumbo and overall BS that some men are dishing out.  —sorry guys–not trying to offend here– *sigh  In times when medical personnel didn\’t have the tools? or know how?  or whatever—things just \”happened.\”  i\’m not saying it\’s right or wrong–but, since females (not just women, since so many YOUNGER ladies have gone through it, as well) are the  ones who have to carry the babies inside, regardless of whatever tweaking or modifications some people may go through, shouldn\’t we have a choice in what happens???  No matter the reasoning, i feel there should\’ve always been some form of counseling or therapy to go along with any form of (modern) abortion method.  It\’s ironic how easy, now, it is to SEE images on the internet now, as opposed to a year or two ago.  *sigh  i periodically go on a searching tirade, for various reasons, and sometimes, what i find is not healthy.  i know, i do it to myself and have no one else to blame…..  Guess i\’m just sick and tired of idiots thinking it\’s OK to mess with people\’s lives and basically try to govern their every waking moment. 

Anyway………..enough venting for the moment.  i apologize if i\’ve offended anyone–never my intent.