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Ugh.

 

What a night. What started out to be a good night, has not ended well.

 

I was in a pretty good mood. I thought my meds were kicking in. Everything was looking good. Not great, but good.

 

I had a conversation with my best friend on skype. She is being used soo badly, and I’m feeling like that there is nothing I can do about it. She is being manipulated soo much, and it breaks my heart. I feel like going up to this person, this manipulator, and going off at her. But, in the back of my mind, I know this isn’t going to solve anything. It’s just going to cause more heartache.

 

This manipulator is doing more damage than I’m sure she’s even aware. I bet she’s sitting back, thinking that she is so clever for doing what she has done. It makes me soo mad! How do I protect the ones I care about?!!

 

What annoys me even more, actually I wouldn’t say annoys, more angers myself, is that I could see this coming. I knew this was going to happen. I tried to stop it, but I obviously didn’t try hard enough. I feel like a failure. I have failed my friend. I just prey that she is strong enough to get through it. I don’t know what to say.

 

There has to come a point when we start looking after ourselves. We have to take a backwards step away from those toxic relationships. How can we heal, when we can’t even look after ourselves? How can we look after each other when we can’t even look after ourselves?  I just do not know. I know it’s easy to say this, but to put it into practise is even harder. I’m just soo exhausted.

 

I feel sick.

 

I have soo much on my mind right now… I don’t know how I’m going to sleep. I need to go to bed soon.. It’s 3.14am. I have to be up and ready to leave to catch the bus at 12noon later today.

 

I’m still mulling over the thought of the therapist session. No matter what happens, I have to go to that. I know I need this. What my mind tells me and my heart tells me is two different things. My heart tells me that I should just stay at home, don’t worry about it. My head tells me that this is the right thing to do. I feel so foolish.

 

I feel sick

 

I have taken soo many Nurofen Plus tablets today to try and alleviate the pain in my abdomen. I have had this pain on the lower right side of my abdomen for about 2/3 months now and its getting worse. At first I thought it was just period pain, but it feels soo different to that. Like someone is stabbing me in the gut constantly. The Nurofen dulls the pain for a while, but it defiantly doesn’t make it go away. When the Nurofen wears off, I’m in hell.  I was talking to someone in the chat room about this, and she said that it sounds like an ovarian cyst. Initially that was my thought to. I was thinking it was Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I guess it still could be. But I have this gut feeling that it’s something worse. There is a strong family history of cancer in my family. I’m dreading that it’s that. I know I should go to the doctor and get it checked. I know this. I know it. No matter how much I say it, it doesn’t change the fact that I haven’t. I get so embarrassed. I know it’s a normal thing for doctors, but for me, It’s a big deal. I’m not good with talking to doctors, be it a general practitioner or a psych.

 

I don’t want to go through what my Nan did. She has had cancer twice, once was breast, which resulted in a mastectomy, and throat. That just involved surgeons removing the cancer. She has something like 8 sisters. All but 2 I think it is now, have had cancer at one point. So the likelihood of me having it must be good. To make it worse, all the cancers have been either breast or ovarian. Gee I’m lucky to be a woman eh?!  They say these things often skip a generation. It’s not the case with my family. Every generation going back 5 generations, someone has died from cancer. Sometimes I wish that it would just hurry up and get me. It would make things a lot easier. I know “ Be careful what I wish for” right? Hmmm..

 

I still feel sick

 

Of all my fears I have. Having cancer is the biggest one of them. I don’t know if there is a “phobia” name for it, I guess there must be somewhere. I know it’s one of those “What if” situations I was talking about in a previous blog, but it still eats at me. I don’t think I would ever be strong enough to fight it. I mean how can I? I can’t even fight depression OR stopping drinking, so how would I be strong enough to beat something as major as this. 

 

I feel cold

 

I have my bedroom window open. I almost always have it open. I don’t know why, but without it open I feel trapped. Not that jumping out of my window would help me as my window is about 5m off the ground. I am the same when I’m in a car, I have to have the window open, no matter if it’s raining, snowing, hot, cold. I don’t car.  I wonder if it’s a form of claustrophobia? Hmm. Not sure. Having my window open at night, the cold air hits my face. It feels nice. I can smell nature out there. It smells good. In the distance I can hear a dog howling. Almost wolf like. It sounds unreal. My next door neighbour just turned on a light in their house. I wonder what they are doing up at this time?  The dog howls again. He is starting a barking and howling chorus. It sounds like that there is now 3 dogs barking. I wonder why the owners are not coming out and yelling at the dogs for barking at this time of night. I wonder if they are waking anyone up.

 

Sometimes, around this time of a night, when I’m all alone, I feel that there is no one else left in the world. It’s just me and my computer. My link to the outside world is a rectangular computer. Pretty pathetic huh?!  My life is in this little piece of hardware. My friends are all in here. I have non outside of it. In this little piece of hardware, in my words, I can be myself. No hiding. Just me. No holds barred. I still catch myself holding back sometimes though. I guess I just don’t want to hurt anyone. Sometimes I think, if I say EVERYTHING that I want to, I’d be a lonelier than I am now. Gee what a scary prospect.  Well I don’t really have any friends in my life, like non online ones, so what’s the difference?

 

I wish I was a better person. I really do.

 

I can’t believe that I’m still writing.. wow I think this is my longest blog to date. I really need to go to bed, it’s now 3.51am. I have been writing like over half an hour on this one blog.

 

I feel sick … I feel cold…

 

 

 

1 Comment
  1. Baggs 12 years ago

    all my friends live in my pc too – can I join your club?

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