It's Saturday and people are with their families and loved ones having a great time and a life. I on the other hand fear leaving my apartment to just go get my phone fixed. It's simple just getting your phone fixed. I know where to go and I know what to say and yet I would rather stay home.
This terrifies me because I'm old enough to have an active social live and yet incapable of having one. The most social interaction I get is on the internet with strangers and even then I am so nervous that I will say or do the wrong thing.
It's not that I don't want a social life with lots of friends and something to do every night of the week because I do. But people terrify me. I always think they are judging me in some way. And when they actually start to talk to me I either talk to much out of nervousness and say the wrong thing or I say nothing and people think I'm a weirdo.
I honestly thought going online and talking to complete strangers would make it better. And in some respects it has because it is nice to know I'm not the only one with OCD but there are still these cliques. One would think that people with social phobias would be welcoming because they know how horrible it feels to be alone all the time. And mind you some have been wonderful and just down right the most amazing strangers I have ever met. Then others hit on you and when you give them no response to their advances stop talking to you and say "I'm not leaving because of this I really do have something else to do." I would believe that a lot more if you actually went off the chat windows.
Then I realize people are people no matter what problems they have. When it comes down to it there will always be those lines drawn in the sand that began sometime in your youth. Where you either ended up on what you thought the good side was or on the bad one. No matter how old, young, rich, poor, crazy or sane you are there will always be these lines that people put down and say there is something lacking in your character that makes you ineligible to cross over to my side of the line.
What I want is very simple. I want to talk to a perfect stranger. I don't care what your background is or where you live. I don't care if in your free time you like to wear women's underwear and watch power ranger, to each their own. I just want to talk to someone because telling someone the most personal details of your life and being able to walk away knowing you will never meet them makes you feel, if even for a moment, like you are really not alone in the world. Which on this beautiful sunny Saturday evening is all I want but can't find.