Depression. This is it. I beat it “this time” or it beats me. The only way I can think of how to do that is to start being honest with myself. In doing so, I will also be honest with you, the reader.Depression has always been a part of me. It used to be a part of me I was somewhat proud of because, at the time–for a long time, actually–, I had a handle on it. It didn't effect the way I lived. I didn't see the ways it effected my life, that is. So depression was a non-issue. Today, it was the reason I went home “sick” from my job. Tomorrow, it will be the reason I will fight to stay at my desk another five minutes at a time as I stare at the clock on my computer screen.This is how it has manifested itself this time. This “flare up.” I can't bring myself to do my job or be part of almost any social situation, including talking to my mother on the phone or going to the grocery store. What I want to do most of the day is smoke pot and watch television or play video games. That's what a lot of people would prefer to do over responsible things like earning a steady paycheck and providing food for themselves on a regular basis, but they have something (a sense of purpose, maybe) that tells them to get up in the morning and keep their job and maybe even try to like it a little. I don't have that anymore.Part of it seems like a sense of entitlement, like I deserve some time off from the pressures of life. I'm not so naïve as to think that I'm the only one in the world to think this way, but I am separated from the masses by the fact that my thoughts create action. I give in to it. I barely even try to resist it anymore.I feel two forces inside me pulling me in opposite directions. One path leads to another month or so of kicking around reasons in my head as to why I can't make this whole “contributing citizen” thing work and ultimately end up killing myself. The other leads to discovery, a quiet and calculated understanding of myself, and a decision that leads to a more fulfilling present and future, and life.Obviously, I want the second one the most. I would be lying if I said I didn't find the first path appealing most of the time, though.I try to motivate myself all the time, “keep going, you can do this,” “focus on the good things,” “you can be so successful if you want to be.”If depression could be solved with happy thoughts, than comedians would make a lot more money.More later…
-
Hate Holidays
deidrexx, , Depression, Depression, Obesity, Stress, Weight Loss, 0
Happy fucking Thanksgiving. Sure. I am supposed to be on a DIET so I am watching everything that goes...
-
Is This Me?
Koiy, , Anxiety, Depression, Teens, Stress, 0
It’s taken me a while to realize who I am, and still, there are days where I’m confused about...
-
How Anxiety Makes Me Feel
britneymason32, , Anxiety, Depression, Anxiety, Child, Depression, Medication, Stress, 0
When i have panic attacks sometimes they are out of no where for no reason i can be watching...
-
My daily struggle with Health Anxiety & Depression
SamK1721, , Anxiety, Depression, Anxiety, Depression, Grief, Weight Loss, 0
Hello to whoever has stumbled across my anxiety-riddled ramblings. This is the first blog I have created and I’m...
-
Support, Understanding, Patience
mike478, , Anxiety, Depression, Anxiety, Career, Depression, 0
The other day, as I was leaving my parents house, my father spoke to me. He didn’t say much...
-
8-28-12
Jazmyn_Shaye, , Depression, Forgiveness, Lesbian, Gay, LGBTQ, Relationships, 0
Its been a while since I was last on here, and even longer since my last blog. So this...
-
Hmmm
Steph_jn, , Depression, Anxiety, Medication, Sleep Disorders, 1
There are studies suggesting that lonliness is bad for the health. They have guesses but dont know why yet...
-
Day 4
Ladybug23, , Depression, Anxiety, Depression, Relationships, Sleep Disorders, Stress, 0
October 9th 2010 Day 4 off of work and on meds for thryoid and depression. umm.. the Cipralex are...