ok so resently i has spinal surgery i was in hospital for a week, in that week i had a massive freak out and need to clean my hands it felt like there was millions apon millions of germs that where going to make me stay in hosipal longer. in this moment it was just after physio and i was completely wiped and in hips of pain. ive never had the who need to clean my hands its just not me. but in that moment i damn well washed my hands and counted to 3 over and over. i felt so enbarished as i had to explain to the physio what had happened. that and the beep residing thought that OCD doesn't help me though my life that it is making it worse. and while i know this and have for a while i didnt belief it. OCD has helped we servie though the 18 years ive had it. and while it has impacted on my life i always viewed it as a nessarcyer impact. after that moment i started to question OCD and what it ment to me.
when i final go back home still barily able to walk, i was told a rumor that the person who raped me was aloud back on campus and could be in some of my classes. i had a total freak out my ansity was so bad that i didnt leave home for 2 weeks and slept with a light on and agusted my sleep time table so that i slept dueing the day as i viewed it as less of a risk. i try to turn it over to OCD because i just couldnt handle it, i tryed everything with in physical limations everyone of my conpoltions and odsetions nothing worked, nothing at all. i was in hell, ansity attachs conctant around the clock and OCD couldnt do anything? it made me relises that OCD doesnt help me with my life. it stops me from having a life. its like if you belief in god and you need his/her help more then anything else in the world you would do anything for there help and they do nothing. it doesnt mean that they dont excited but you do have to question does it really help you.
my answer: No OCD doesnt help me.
and I've grown to accept that and accept that it will always be apart of my life how i view it and how much time it gets well thats up to me, not to OCD who ive named Miss Bicth.
and while OCD is the reson im still awake at 3am and wanted to go to bed at 10. right now im letting it have some wins its like a game of backgammon (i just really like backgammon) you both move a head with each roll of dices and somethings you may send there pease back to the start and sometimes you will be sent back to, if you both play nices you dont get bitch with each other give each other some space then you wont fuck each other. so right now me and miss bitch are playing nices. and while i dont like that some times she get a higher number (number of hourse aligated) then me, its just the game.
one that ive become happyer to play to because the roll of the dices is in my favor.
