Hello everyone. I can't sleep, I'm so tired and I'm trying not to take a Klonpin again, but it looks like I might have to.
My anxiety is off the charts, my thoughts just will not STOP!
I don't know if I love my fiance, Eric anymore: What if I'm not attracted to him, what if I don't really love him anymore? Am I only using him to support me? How do I know I love him? Should I break up with him? Should I tell him about this?! What would I do if I left him? Where would I live? (GASP) I AM using him!!! Oh my gosh I MUST break up with him NOW because its not fair to him!
He has gained a lot of wieght and that has been bothering me, not enough to leave him, but I do wish he would get back in shape…I keep getting thoughts like, "Why have someone like him, a fat slob, when you can have someone so much better looking!" Then I want to spat at my own brain for saying such awful things. I FEEL LIKE GOLLUM
This is a preview of what the inside of my brain feels like and its NOT STOPPING!!! I've had this type of OCD before with other boyfriends and even with Eric and some points, but this time it is just UNBEARABLE and it WON'T shut OFF!! Maybe its all true?
I know that I am under an unusual amount of stress latley. I finally got somewhat of a fulltime job as an adjunct for a few colleges, after being almost unemployed for two years and on top of that, Eric is not living here during the week becuase he works in CT during the week and comes home one weekends. It is only for this year, but that is also very hard for me. I don't like being alone…but sometimes I like being alone and then my OCD triggers off and tells me its because I FELL OUT OF LOVE WITH ERIC.
Can SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH MY BRAIN!? WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME!?