I\'ve never tried to seek any help with my intense anxiety. I\'ve never seen a doctor or anything. I tried to convince myself I could handle it. I feel so angry that I can\'t just get over my anxiety by myself. At first it felt like what I thought was normal teenage anxiety crap.
I never questioned whether I was good enough for something. I KNEW I was unworthy of everything once i got older. I knew I wasn\'t worth buying good clothes because who would care…. its not like anyones gonna look at me. I knew I wasn\'t worth asking for things because I didn\'t deserve them. I was never going to say anything until now.
I have to think of my mom and how if I kill myself it might be too much for her. shes been through so much. And even if I did kill myself how could i do it so she wouldnt have to deal with it….. wow thats funny how I didnt even flinch saying that. I actually feel frustrated that I cant commit suicide. I just want it to end. i want to be so dead I cant feel anything… no fears no doubts no self loathing.. nothing. I mean I\'m only 16 I can\'t spend the rest of my life this miserable. But I dont want to hurt my mom cause I\'m such a weight already.
Now I think the good thing is I know i shouldn\'t be thinking this way. I have this voice in my head telling me to get help before i do something stupid. But then this other voice telling me that I\'m not even worth the time of a therapist. so I\'ll ask someone else… Should I ask my mom to take me to get help? Yes or no please…