Today my depression feels like a monster. I'm trying to make it stay away, and I'm so fucked up I just don't know if I can. I can't sleep, but even if I could, I would have to force myself awake. Like on A Nightmare on Elm Street. Don't fall asleep. I can't lay down. I feel like the depression will consume me. I am fighting it and I am having trouble writing this blog on no sleep and after abusing myself with alcohol and caffeine.

God I hate this FUCKING DEPRESSION DISEASE! I hate it!!! It is the holidays and I can't even drink without getting more depressed. I can't even have fun like a normal fucking person. I am so sick of this. Within the last 2 yrs my drinking has made my depression worse and I am not talking about drinking every day, maybe once per week at the most. My point is, alcohol is fucking up my brain in a way that it didn't before. Something is changing. And I have been on the same meds my whole life so it's not a reaction with meds. It's probably just a change my body is going thru. Great. Just what I need. Can't even enjoy some drinks anymore because the next day makes me feel suicidal.

So now I am drinking my coffee trying to keep my brain moving. If it slows down, I will go into a deep darkness. I can't do that, because it's Christmas. Yay! Dontcha just LOVE when the calendar dictates to you how you should feel? Can't be sad this week, folks, it's the holidays! Don't forget to drink a lot too otherwise you won't be having fun like normal people. What's that you say? It makes you depressed? Well buck up, you freak!!! No time for that!!!

Ughh. I can't stay happy for long. I am guessing bi-polar disorder is very much a real thing in my messed up brain. I know I am supposed to be on mood stabilizers in addition to my SSRI, but fuck that. No more pills. Anyway, my mood will swing back up if I truly am bi-polar in addition to being just depressed, so fine, I'll wait for that. It was working last week. I guess now it's time to be sad.

I still think most of this mess is due to how shitty my life is. It can't all be chemical, I know it's not. I am the lonliest person alive who still manages to get herself mixed up in a lot of shit and problems with the outside world.

I can't eat anything right now. Yesterday totally wiped me out. This will be another 36 hrs at least with no sleep living like a zombie trying to keep from going under completely.