So I haven't been on this website in YEARS. The last time I was on, I was bulimic, self-harming, and had recently been hospitalized for a failed suicide attempt. I have been battling chronic depression since I was a preteen. Fortunately, I found help in the best friend that I have ever had in my entire life, and we quickly fell in love. We've been together for three happy years. However…
Here's what's going on now. I'm battling a serious thyroid illness and am seeing a specialist soon to be screened for thyroid cancer (serious thyroid illnesses run in the family). On top of that, I have been feeling more and more depressed. And so is my sweetheart. He's been depressed in the past, but never like this. While I seek his company when I'm feeling this way, he does the opposite- he blocks out affection. We are very much on the rocks, and while we've come very close to deciding breaking up would be best right now, neither of us can bring ourselves to do it- it's not what we want.
Back when I was recovering and I first befriended him, I was in a very bad place. I literally had no friends left- there was no one to go to. Even now that he's suffering, and even if we DID break up, he has tons of friends to talk to and spend time with. I still have none. It's not that I don't try to make friends, it's just that everyone I kind of become friends with is already established in other long-time friendships that seem to win out in their priorities. I feel like I'm too old to meet someone that could be a friend close enough to be like family. As for family, you can only tell them so much when you know that they'll worry about you more than anyone else ever will and I really don't want them to worry any more than I know they already are.
As of now, I am not regularly cutting but there have been three instances recently when I did. In a single instance, I make about 6-10 side-by-side cuts on my thighs, some long and some short. I stopped in the first place, little more than three years ago, becuase I promised my sweetheart that I would. I told him about the recent instances and he made me promise again…he may be blocking out emotions and affection, but he knows he doesn't want me to hurt. Anyway, the last time I did it, I was so anxious and depressed at that point that it didn't do a thing for me like it usually does.
I can't really decide right now if I want to die or not, which probably means that I don't. It's like there are two parts of me- one wants to give up and one is hanging on with everything it has. I talked to a regular check-up doctor about all this and he was really kind about it- he put me on medicine and he seemed truly concerned. He did HIGHLY reccommend that I go to a hospital for a little bit to receive more thorough care…I didn't want to at the time, for two main reasons: I don't want to be locked away with no contact with my sweetheart to come back and find out that he's decided he wants to break up. Also, the only other time I've ever stayed on a psych ward, I was a teenager, so I was able to stay in a children's ward in a very nice hospital. I'm terrified of what things would be like on an adult ward…Anyway, I'm a full time college student and I have two jobs. I've already had to pay money for classes I've cancelled in the past and I don't want to lose my jobs, especially because one is in my incredibly hard-to-get-into career field. My doctor said these are silly reasons to put getting serious help on hold, and I guess he's right…I just feel like it would make me the ultimate disappointment.
I could probably type all night, but I don't want to overwhelm anyone that's actually taking the time to read this. I'm hoping that maybe I can find some help or friends on here- just a place to go when I'm feeling alone.